Today most of you spent your morning with your children, preparing for the day. Hugs & kisses and an I Love you, sent you all on your separate way. This evening, most of you will spend some time with your children. Whether it be at one of their sporting events, dinner, helping with homework or watching TV. Before bed, most of you will read your little ones a book, maybe have a short conversation with your older ones and then a kiss, hug & an I love you goodnight.
I can’t guess exactly how every parent who lost a child spends their day, but I can give you a glimpse into my day, my families day.
This morning I woke up with pain in my heart & tears in my eyes. I wanted to lay there in bed & never get up. Michael is up first after not getting much sleep & he says I love you and I say it back and he is on his way. Mike is up & getting ready for work. My alarm for Jake goes off and I yell to him it is time to get up for school. He struggles to get up because his heartache of losing his sister makes it hard for him to sleep. His sleeping issues started during her 3rd diagnosis, but got worse on the day that this world took her away. Losing sleep is an issue, we all seem to have. A kiss & I love you from Mike before he heads out the door and then I get out of bed. I walk in the kitchen and turn on the coffee pot. I see Ashley’s picture on the wall in the family room. I give it a kiss and the tears start to fall.
I go in her room & I sit on her bed and I stare at her pictures of her & all her grandparents each one of them gone. I tell her good morning & the tears really flow. I look at all her things and remember her here and the reality hits that she no longer is. I tell Her how much I miss her and love Her and how hard getting through each day is without Her. I beg her somehow to give me a sign to show me she is ok and that I will see her again. I kiss my finger and each picture I touch, then blow a kiss in her room as I leave. Then I take Jake to school. I see in his eyes such sadness & pain, as I give him a kiss, say I love you and he heads into school.
The rest of the day will vary each day. When I get through whatever that day requires, then it is my time to spend with My Girl. Only it is not at a sporting event, dinner or watching TV. My time is spent sitting in a chair, reading a book in front of a stone with her name. At the end of the day I go back in her room all the things that I did at the start of the day will be a repeat. Then I crawl into bed and I lay there with pain, with tears streaming down, hoping tomorrow I will wake up and this nightmare won’t be real.
I must also mention that several times throughout the day, I will all of a sudden feel intense pain & the tears come uncontrollably streaming down my face. It's because the reality hits that My Daughter, My Baby, My Ashley is no longer here. That My Beautiful Girl that was once with me, is forever gone. No Morning hugs & kisses, no more time to spend with her, no more words to be spoken, no more future plans to make. No more goodnight kiss. The only thing I have left are the memories of what once was, which makes me die a little more each day.
Be grateful for each & every moment you have with your children. Cherish every moment, don’t wish it away.
We need to increase the funding for Childhood Cancer Research. No Family should endure this much pain. No Child should have their life cut short.
