The Pain Is Endless

Day 155~

The Pain Is Endless. I Miss My Ashley So Much. Life is Miserable Without Her.
I swear, if one more person preaches to me about God, tries to tell me what God did for me, tells me not to loss my faith in God or tells me Ashley is not in pain anymore or that she is in a better place, I AM GOING TO FREAKING SCREAM.

I want to be clear, I never said there was not a God, I said I have my doubts.

First of all, if God is as loving & powerful as I was taught, he could have stopped Ashley's Pain by healing Her and leaving Her here with us.

Second, if Ashley is in such a better place as you say, then why the hell isn't everybody else lining up to send their children there. Any Volunteers? Come on, who wants to send their children there since it is such a better place? I am thinking, No One.

As far as telling me about God and what he has done for me. I went to a Catholic School from 4th Grade through High School. I was a Religious Education Teacher for 5 years and I spent my entire life praising and preaching him. So I don't need any lessons on God.

I have issues with a God who inflicts pain on his children to test their love for him. (Always have had issues with that). I would never allow My Children to Suffer so that they can prove their love to me. That's messed up. I would do anything to stop my children from suffering. I don't need My Children to prove their love to me. So who is the All Loving Parent?

I wish you could see the pain I see my family enduring. The pain my Boys suffer. The second most difficult thing to endure, next to losing your child, is seeing them suffer. My Boys were so close to their sister. Jake is 8 1/2 years younger than Ashley, she was his best friend, he looked up to her. He would come home from school and go see his sister. Tell her about his day. About something he learned. He always had her full attention. He went to Her for advice. She was a second Mom to him and loved him so much. Michael and Ashley were best friends. Two years apart. Hung out together. Even though he shouldn't have, he carried so much guilt because he could do things she couldn't. He missed her being able to do things with him. He just wanted his sister to be able to do things with him again. She loved him so much. My Boys had to watch their Sister suffer. They Suffered then and they still suffer.

So if you honestly think her being in this better place is a good thing, it's not. If there really is an afterlife, if you honestly think that Ashley's suffering has stopped, it hasn't. She is suffering watching all of us suffer. Ashley wanted so badly to live she was willing to endure whatever pain it took to make that happen. So the whole she's not suffering anymore, brings no comfort. There is NOTHING "AT LEAST" about any of this. NOTHING, "BETTER" about this.

Most people don't say those things and I know everyone means well, but I can't take the comments like the ones I mentioned above. It's real easy to say those things and preach God, when your child is still here with you, living their Life, their dreams.

Maybe I Just need to quit sharing my feelings. Get the hell off Facebook.

I Love and Miss You So Much My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. My Missy Moo.

ASHLEY FOREVER IN MY HEART.....❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤