I am sure that many are tired of seeing my daily posts as to how
many Days, Weeks, Months, it has been since Ashley left us. I am also going to
take a guess, that most of you just keep strolling when you see my name. Many
have probably hidden my posts. Maybe it is because you think I should, “Move
On” or “Get Over it.”, as many like to say. Maybe it is because my posts are,
“Just too painful to read”, or maybe it is just because you feel I hold little
significance in your life, so why should you waste your time reading my posts.
What ever it is, it is your right. After all, who am I too judge why other
people do what they do & who am I to expect other people to give a shit
about How & Why My Daughter Died & how long it has been since she has.
After all, I am just one of over 7 billion people in this world.
So, I would like to address the above.
About me “Moving On” or “Getting Over It”. If you haven’t lost a child, then you will never understand just how ignorant & painful those two statements are. You are so unaware what it is like to lose a child & although I know it is meant to be helpful, anyone who states that we need to move on or get over it, just creates more pain. A parent will Never Move on from their Child’s Death. And as far as Get Over “IT”. There is no ‘IT” here. There is Our CHILD, who is no longer here, and they are not an “IT”. They are Human Beings who once used to EXIST in this world just like you, just like your children. But it is so easy to tell parent’s whose Children are gone, to “Move on or Get Over, because you still have ALL of your Children.
About me “Moving On” or “Getting Over It”. If you haven’t lost a child, then you will never understand just how ignorant & painful those two statements are. You are so unaware what it is like to lose a child & although I know it is meant to be helpful, anyone who states that we need to move on or get over it, just creates more pain. A parent will Never Move on from their Child’s Death. And as far as Get Over “IT”. There is no ‘IT” here. There is Our CHILD, who is no longer here, and they are not an “IT”. They are Human Beings who once used to EXIST in this world just like you, just like your children. But it is so easy to tell parent’s whose Children are gone, to “Move on or Get Over, because you still have ALL of your Children.
As far as my posts being too painful for you to read, well,
living every day without My Ashley, is too painful for me to LIVE. The
difference is, your pain lasts for the little bit of time that you read my
post, and maybe a short period of time afterword. Because you then get busy
with your life & forget about my posts. My Pain, It Never goes away. NEVER
As far as me & every other parent who has lost a child,
being insignificant to you, THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE SO WRONG. We are so
significant to the lives of every Child, Parent, Sibling, Grandparent, Aunt,
Uncle, Cousin, that exists. We are significant because of Our Children. They
are the ones who are significant to each of you, but we have become that
significance, because we are the ones left as proof that they existed. We are
the ones left here living in this Hell of a Money Hungry, Power Hunger,
Materialistic, Egotistic, Gone Completely Mad World, Without Our Child.
Many of you may be asking how Our Children, are Significant to
each of you. I am going to tell you why. Although cure rates continue to
improve, the incidence of childhood cancer is steadily increasing. Over the
last several decades, there has been a 25% increase in the number of children
diagnosed with cancer, going from 13 children per 100,000 in 1975 to 17 per
100,000 in 2005. Now I know, you are thinking that the likelihood of your child
getting cancer is very low. Based on the last statistic in 2005, your child has
a 0.017% chance of getting cancer. If we were to recalculate that &
consider the increase since 2005, of a child alive today, the chance that a
child you know & love has increased to about 0.019% for every 100,000
children. But remember this, in 2001 when Ashley was diagnosed with cancer, she
had about a 0.016% chance of getting cancer & as we all know, she got it.
So, how exactly are our children significant to all of you and the children
that you love? Each of our children fought cancer, once, twice, three times,
four times. Each of our children having different forms of cancer & potentially
different forms of treatment. Many of our children are given standard
treatments, but even if it is a standard treatment, the medical world is
learning something from each of our children that is going to help in treating
other children. And for those of our children who are under research protocols,
each of our children is taking a chance on a treatment that they are not 100%
sure yet as to what exactly the treatment is going to do & they are
learning from our children.
Since I don’t have the knowledge to speak about what other
children may have done, I am going to talk about My CHILD, MY ASHLEY, and what
she did, because I do have that knowledge. Ashley’s first cancer, at the time
or her first & second diagnosis, only known cure, was radiation. With her 2nd
diagnosis, as most of you know, Ashley was asked to take a drug. A drug that
had been used in adults & only for as long as a year. It was used to
prolong life in adults with brain tumors. Her doctor in Chicago asked Ashley to
take this drug & do so for 2 years. He went over side effects & Ashley
agreed. What he left out was a very important side effect, a side effect I
found after I researched the drug. That side effect was that it could cause a
secondary cancer, specifically Leukemia.
Ashley was 17 years old at the time they asked her to take the
drug. When she was first diagnosed the 2nd time, she was 16, 4
months shy of turning 17. At the start of this diagnosis we knew that Ashley
was wise beyond her years. Mike and I had decided that Ashley was going to have
the final say in all her treatment. That we were not going to just decide what
she would go through. Her first diagnosis, she was too young to make those
decisions. This time, we decided that this was her body, her life and after
getting our thoughts, that she would have the final say as to what she would
& wouldn’t do.
So, Ashley agreed to take the drug. Then when I found out that
the drug could cause a secondary cancer, first I brought it to the attention of
her NP, who of course ignored that fact that that side effect was not brought
to our attention, and said the chances are there, but very low. That it wasn’t
something we needed to be worried about. Well I was still worried, as she was
not very reassuring. So, I brought it to Ashley’s attention. I told her that
she did not need to take this drug. That she could do the radiation & be
done. It worked once, it will work again. Many of you have heard this before,
but I am not sure that it is truly sinking into everyone, so I am sharing it
over & over, until it does. Ashley responded to me with, “Isn’t this how we
find cures? I am willing to take the chance of getting that secondary cancer,
if it means that it can help prevent other children from going through what I
have gone through.”
Who does that? Who is
that selfless as an adult, let alone as a child? How many of you would risk your
lives for others by taking a drug that could cause a secondary cancer, that if
you get, you likely won’t survive? Ashley knew that & she still took the
drug. She risked her life so that she could help children in the future,
who will be diagnosed with cancer. She risked her life & that risk TOOK HER
LIFE. It took HER LIFE & every single dream she had. A Selfless Young Woman
who wanted so badly to have a chance to live. A Young Woman who wanted to
become a Nurse, originally a doctor & help other children who will fight
this disease. A Young Woman who some day wanted to have 5-6 Children of her
own. A Young Woman who I carried & nurtured for 9 Months. Who I gave birth
too & took care of for 25 years, 7 Months & 16 Days. A Young Woman who
became My Best Friend. A Young Woman Who Inspired Me, her Dad, Her Brothers
& Every Life She touched. A Young Woman Who Taught Us All About What Matters
in Life, Why We are Here. Instead of Us Raising Her, She Raised Us. That Risk
that Ashley took, not only took her Life Away from Her, but it took it away
from Me, Her Dad, Her Brothers. It demolished everything we were. It took each
of our FUTURES Away from us. A Future that was supposed to include ASHLEY. I Wish you could see the impact Ashley being
taken from us, has had on each of us. It is beyond sad to see lives forever
changed. You have NO IDEA what not only Mike and I are going through, but my
other children, especially my youngest. Mike & I have had a chance to live
our lives & enjoy life. But not my Boy’s & most especially not my Jake.
I didn’t just lose My Ashley, I lost who my Boy’s were, who they would have
been had they not watched their Sister fight for her life & then be taken
from them.
So, you are probably wondering, how any of that makes Ashley or
Mike, the Boy’s & I, Significant
individuals to your lives. Well, Ashley risked Her Life & Lost Her Life in
the hopes that some child in the future, who is diagnosed with cancer, could
have their probability of being cured from cancer, increased. A child that
could be your Child, your Grandchild, Great Grandchild, etc. Sibling, Niece,
Nephew, etc. She did it for children that you might not have even met yet or
maybe you will never met, because you will be gone from this world before they
are born, but they will still be your family. Again, you are probably thinking
that the chances are slim that a child you know & love will get cancer. But
remember that the percentage continues to increase, and My child had that same
low percentage of getting cancer & She got it. Not to mention, that you do
not know of any genetic issues that may increase their chance of getting
cancer. So, if you don’t think it can happen to a child you know & love, Think
Again.
So, I ask a question, & it obviously is not directed to the many
people who do their share in this fight to find a cure. Why should Ashley have
taken a risk & had Her life taken, for a child that likely does not even
exist yet, when so many other people don’t even care about those children who
could potentially be a child that they are related to? Why? Because She is a Better
Human Being than each & every one of us. Because She Cared About Our
Children’s Future a Hell of a lot more than the Adults of today’s world do.
Isn’t it our job as parent’s, as adults, to be ensuring that Our Children have
a future? You wouldn’t guess that.
You want to know the saddest part about the individuals who sit
back & do nothing to ensure our children have a future. I will tell you.
Some of them are parents of children who have had cancer and are now doing
well. (not all, but many). I started the AshleyCan Foundation DURING Ashley’s 2nd
diagnosis. I did so, because through research, I realized that after 7 years of
having had a child with cancer, that I didn’t even know that September was
Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I also learned that childhood cancer was
highly underfunded. So, I wanted to do something about it. My child was
fighting for her life, risking her life for other children & together we
were building what would become the AshleyCan Pediatric Cancer Foundation. We
continued with the foundation, even we found that Ashley’s cancer was gone. We
continued with the foundation, even when Ashley was diagnosed with that
secondary cancer & fighting for Her Life. We continued with the foundation,
even when we thought Ashley had that secondary cancer beat. We continued with
the foundation, even when She was diagnosed Her fourth time, even when she was
fighting for her life like she had never fought before. When I say “WE” that
includes Ashley. No matter how sick She was or how much pain She was going
through, She was making sure we continued to fight for the kids. We continue
the foundation, even after OUR ASHLEY was taken from us. This foundation never
helped Ashley, never helped us. Yet there are so many parent’s out there, many
who have voiced very loudly, how angry they are that people don’t want to do
anything to help find a cure. That people don’t care about their children. So,
to those of you who have a child who was at some point diagnosed with cancer & is now doing well, in remission, & you sit back & do nothing for the cause, I have a question. How they hell
or why the hell, do you expect people who don’t have a child with cancer to
fight for our children & raise funds for our children, when you don’t? In
my experience, I find, that most of the individuals, fighting for your children,
grandchildren, are the ones who have lost a Child. I have also found out
something, that many of you are unaware. What is that? It is that there are a
great deal of people whose children are healthy, and people who don’t even have
children, who spend a great deal of their time, helping in the fight to find a
cure for Children Fighting this Monster.
Do we need more people? You
damn right we do. But we also need every parent who has traveled this journey
to be fighting too. Because somebody else, who had a child with cancer, before
your child was diagnosed, fought for this cause, so that your child had a
better chance of surviving.
I could say, “Screw it, Ashley’s journey with cancer is over. So,
I am done with this fight” But is it over? Will it ever be over? No, it isn’t, over.
It isn’t over because, although you may feel like Ashley is INSIGNIFICANT to
each of you, SHE IS SIGNIFICANT, SHE IS VERY SIGNIFICANT. Her Risk, That Took
Her Life, made an impact on Every potential Child who will be diagnosed with
cancer. Children she didn’t know, children we will never know. One Person’s
action has the potential to have an impact on the lives of more people than we
know. Ashley could have done her radiation & been done. She responded
better than most children did, to radiation the first time. The concern of
radiation a second time was not as to whether it would cure her, but the
concern was whether she could survive that much radiation. She did survive the
radiation.
Ashley could have done the radiation & went on with the rest
of her life. She would likely be in her Residency. Maybe married. Possibly
already have 1 or 2 of her 5-6 Children. She would have been living Her dreams.
She could have just worried about her & said. “Let somebody else worry
about the other children.” But she didn’t do that & because She didn’t,
because She cared so much, She is gone today, and We are forced to live in this
world without our Wonderful, Beautiful Ashley. So that is how we have become
significant. Not in a “We changed the World way.” But because we are left to
suffer extreme pain because our Daughter, Our Sister, Sacrificed Her Life, so
if a child you love gets cancer, their chances of surviving, can be
increased. She is the one who Changed the World. Made a Difference.
So, if you think I am ever going to let the world FORGET what
my Daughter Did, you are Crazy. Because She Was Significant to This World &
I am going to make sure that everybody knows that & never forgets it. I am
going to keep talking, until I am blue in the face, until people open their
eyes & realize we need to get our heads out of our asses & help Our
Children. Or Until I Die.
You may be tired or reading my posts, or you may be tired of
seeing my pain. Well I am tired of living every day without My Ashley.
Why does it seem like cancer has become an accepted disease? To
say that it hasn't, is a lie. If that is not the case, then why is it such a
fight to find funding for a cure? Why is that especially true for Childhood
Cancer?
The approach toward childhood cancer is so totally F***** Up.
The only place I truly trust, is St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. To so
many, it's a job, an income, a way to make a name for themselves. A chance for
the world to know who they are. A chance to be acknowledged & titled as the
best of the best. But St. Jude is so different. It was started by a Man that
truly cared about children. He & his friends dedicated a great deal of
their time, for nothing in return, to help save children’s lives. Why? Because
they were grateful for how good life had been to them. Because they had the
ability to help others. They did so because as Danny Thomas said, “No Child
Should Have to Die in The Dawn of Life.”
Ashley gave Her life for this cause. So many children who have
left this world because of this disease, have made a difference in the lives of
children who are fighting or will fight this disease. Don’t we owe it to Ashley
& each of Them, to be the adults of this world, & contribute to Our Children’s
Future. Ensure that our children have a future. I am not just talking about our
own children. I am talking about all children. There are children fighting many
diseases that can use our help. Childhood Cancer is the number one cause of
death by disease in children. More than many diseases combined. Don’t you think
that is something that needs our attention? How about we MARCH for Our
Children. How About we get as loud for them, as we do for ourselves. It is so
sad how much time and effort we will put into so many different things for
OURSELVES. How about we put an effort into The Children of this World Who Are Dying.
I think focus & funding, for Our Children Fighting Cancer should be more important
than “The Dreamers”. You Know, Our
Children, Who Are actually US Citizens. Our Children Who are DYING. We don’t
have US Funding for them, But we have no problem putting money into Legalizing
Dreamers. Something that will cost the US over $26 billion, over the next
decade. We will shut down our Government to fight for the “DREAMERS”. But we
have no problem letting Legal Citizens of this country, THE CHILDREN of this
country, DIE. I would say our priorities in this country are beyond screwed up.
Let me tell you, it makes my pain of losing Ashley, because She
cared enough to Risk her Life for Our Children, much more intense, when I see many
in our Government caring more about illegals, than they do about the Children who
are US Citizens.
I keep fighting for your children. Even though My Ashley is
Gone, I keep fighting. Even though it is extremely difficult running this
foundation without Ashley by my side, running it with me, I keep fighting. I do
it because not doing so, would dishonor everything Ashley Did. I do it because
not doing it, would be failing Her like so many people failed her the last 8 months of Her
life & many other moments throught Her fight. I Can’t Fail Her Any More Than
She Has Already Been.
Are you going to Help the Children of this country, in some way?
OR, Are you going to walk away from this post & go about your life as usual?
One day you could wake up & find out a child you love has cancer. When that
happens, you are going to wish that you did something to increase their chances
of survival. I am not trying to be a B****, I am just trying to open the worlds
eyes to how much, as a society, we fail Our Children. How much more of a difference we could make & WE DON'T.
