9 Months Without My Girl

I am sure that many are tired of seeing my daily posts as to how many Days, Weeks, Months, it has been since Ashley left us. I am also going to take a guess, that most of you just keep strolling when you see my name. Many have probably hidden my posts. Maybe it is because you think I should, “Move On” or “Get Over it.”, as many like to say. Maybe it is because my posts are, “Just too painful to read”, or maybe it is just because you feel I hold little significance in your life, so why should you waste your time reading my posts. What ever it is, it is your right. After all, who am I too judge why other people do what they do & who am I to expect other people to give a shit about How & Why My Daughter Died & how long it has been since she has. After all, I am just one of over 7 billion people in this world.

So, I would like to address the above.

About me “Moving On” or “Getting Over It”. If you haven’t lost a child, then you will never understand just how ignorant & painful those two statements are. You are so unaware what it is like to lose a child & although I know it is meant to be helpful, anyone who states that we need to move on or get over it, just creates more pain. A parent will Never Move on from their Child’s Death. And as far as Get Over “IT”. There is no ‘IT” here. There is Our CHILD, who is no longer here, and they are not an “IT”. They are Human Beings who once used to EXIST in this world just like you, just like your children. But it is so easy to tell parent’s whose Children are gone, to “Move on or Get Over, because you still have ALL of your Children.

As far as my posts being too painful for you to read, well, living every day without My Ashley, is too painful for me to LIVE. The difference is, your pain lasts for the little bit of time that you read my post, and maybe a short period of time afterword. Because you then get busy with your life & forget about my posts. My Pain, It Never goes away. NEVER

As far as me & every other parent who has lost a child, being insignificant to you, THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE SO WRONG. We are so significant to the lives of every Child, Parent, Sibling, Grandparent, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, that exists. We are significant because of Our Children. They are the ones who are significant to each of you, but we have become that significance, because we are the ones left as proof that they existed. We are the ones left here living in this Hell of a Money Hungry, Power Hunger, Materialistic, Egotistic, Gone Completely Mad World, Without Our Child.

Many of you may be asking how Our Children, are Significant to each of you. I am going to tell you why. Although cure rates continue to improve, the incidence of childhood cancer is steadily increasing. Over the last several decades, there has been a 25% increase in the number of children diagnosed with cancer, going from 13 children per 100,000 in 1975 to 17 per 100,000 in 2005. Now I know, you are thinking that the likelihood of your child getting cancer is very low. Based on the last statistic in 2005, your child has a 0.017% chance of getting cancer. If we were to recalculate that & consider the increase since 2005, of a child alive today, the chance that a child you know & love has increased to about 0.019% for every 100,000 children. But remember this, in 2001 when Ashley was diagnosed with cancer, she had about a 0.016% chance of getting cancer & as we all know, she got it. So, how exactly are our children significant to all of you and the children that you love? Each of our children fought cancer, once, twice, three times, four times. Each of our children having different forms of cancer & potentially different forms of treatment. Many of our children are given standard treatments, but even if it is a standard treatment, the medical world is learning something from each of our children that is going to help in treating other children. And for those of our children who are under research protocols, each of our children is taking a chance on a treatment that they are not 100% sure yet as to what exactly the treatment is going to do & they are learning from our children.

Since I don’t have the knowledge to speak about what other children may have done, I am going to talk about My CHILD, MY ASHLEY, and what she did, because I do have that knowledge. Ashley’s first cancer, at the time or her first & second diagnosis, only known cure, was radiation. With her 2^nd diagnosis, as most of you know, Ashley was asked to take a drug. A drug that had been used in adults & only for as long as a year. It was used to prolong life in adults with brain tumors. Her doctor in Chicago asked Ashley to take this drug & do so for 2 years. He went over side effects & Ashley agreed. What he left out was a very important side effect, a side effect I found after I researched the drug. That side effect was that it could cause a secondary cancer, specifically Leukemia.

Ashley was 17 years old at the time they asked her to take the drug. When she was first diagnosed the 2^nd time, she was 16, 4 months shy of turning 17. At the start of this diagnosis we knew that Ashley was wise beyond her years. Mike and I had decided that Ashley was going to have the final say in all her treatment. That we were not going to just decide what she would go through. Her first diagnosis, she was too young to make those decisions. This time, we decided that this was her body, her life and after getting our thoughts, that she would have the final say as to what she would & wouldn’t do.

So, Ashley agreed to take the drug. Then when I found out that the drug could cause a secondary cancer, first I brought it to the attention of her NP, who of course ignored that fact that that side effect was not brought to our attention, and said the chances are there, but very low. That it wasn’t something we needed to be worried about. Well I was still worried, as she was not very reassuring. So, I brought it to Ashley’s attention. I told her that she did not need to take this drug. That she could do the radiation & be done. It worked once, it will work again. Many of you have heard this before, but I am not sure that it is truly sinking into everyone, so I am sharing it over & over, until it does. Ashley responded to me with, “Isn’t this how we find cures? I am willing to take the chance of getting that secondary cancer, if it means that it can help prevent other children from going through what I have gone through.”

Who does that?  Who is that selfless as an adult, let alone as a child? How many of you would risk your lives for others by taking a drug that could cause a secondary cancer, that if you get, you likely won’t survive? Ashley knew that & she still took the drug. She risked her life so that she could help children in the future, who will be diagnosed with cancer. She risked her life & that risk TOOK HER LIFE. It took HER LIFE & every single dream she had. A Selfless Young Woman who wanted so badly to have a chance to live. A Young Woman who wanted to become a Nurse, originally a doctor & help other children who will fight this disease. A Young Woman who some day wanted to have 5-6 Children of her own. A Young Woman who I carried & nurtured for 9 Months. Who I gave birth too & took care of for 25 years, 7 Months & 16 Days. A Young Woman who became My Best Friend. A Young Woman Who Inspired Me, her Dad, Her Brothers & Every Life She touched. A Young Woman Who Taught Us All About What Matters in Life, Why We are Here. Instead of Us Raising Her, She Raised Us. That Risk that Ashley took, not only took her Life Away from Her, but it took it away from Me, Her Dad, Her Brothers. It demolished everything we were. It took each of our FUTURES Away from us. A Future that was supposed to include ASHLEY.  I Wish you could see the impact Ashley being taken from us, has had on each of us. It is beyond sad to see lives forever changed. You have NO IDEA what not only Mike and I are going through, but my other children, especially my youngest. Mike & I have had a chance to live our lives & enjoy life. But not my Boy’s & most especially not my Jake. I didn’t just lose My Ashley, I lost who my Boy’s were, who they would have been had they not watched their Sister fight for her life & then be taken from them.

So, you are probably wondering, how any of that makes Ashley or Mike, the Boy’s  & I, Significant individuals to your lives. Well, Ashley risked Her Life & Lost Her Life in the hopes that some child in the future, who is diagnosed with cancer, could have their probability of being cured from cancer, increased. A child that could be your Child, your Grandchild, Great Grandchild, etc. Sibling, Niece, Nephew, etc. She did it for children that you might not have even met yet or maybe you will never met, because you will be gone from this world before they are born, but they will still be your family. Again, you are probably thinking that the chances are slim that a child you know & love will get cancer. But remember that the percentage continues to increase, and My child had that same low percentage of getting cancer & She got it. Not to mention, that you do not know of any genetic issues that may increase their chance of getting cancer. So, if you don’t think it can happen to a child you know & love, Think Again.

So, I ask a question, & it obviously is not directed to the many people who do their share in this fight to find a cure. Why should Ashley have taken a risk & had Her life taken, for a child that likely does not even exist yet, when so many other people don’t even care about those children who could potentially be a child that they are related to? Why? Because She is a Better Human Being than each & every one of us. Because She Cared About Our Children’s Future a Hell of a lot more than the Adults of today’s world do. Isn’t it our job as parent’s, as adults, to be ensuring that Our Children have a future? You wouldn’t guess that.

You want to know the saddest part about the individuals who sit back & do nothing to ensure our children have a future. I will tell you. Some of them are parents of children who have had cancer and are now doing well. (not all, but many). I started the AshleyCan Foundation DURING Ashley’s 2^nd diagnosis. I did so, because through research, I realized that after 7 years of having had a child with cancer, that I didn’t even know that September was Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I also learned that childhood cancer was highly underfunded. So, I wanted to do something about it. My child was fighting for her life, risking her life for other children & together we were building what would become the AshleyCan Pediatric Cancer Foundation. We continued with the foundation, even we found that Ashley’s cancer was gone. We continued with the foundation, even when Ashley was diagnosed with that secondary cancer & fighting for Her Life. We continued with the foundation, even when we thought Ashley had that secondary cancer beat. We continued with the foundation, even when She was diagnosed Her fourth time, even when she was fighting for her life like she had never fought before. When I say “WE” that includes Ashley. No matter how sick She was or how much pain She was going through, She was making sure we continued to fight for the kids. We continue the foundation, even after OUR ASHLEY was taken from us. This foundation never helped Ashley, never helped us. Yet there are so many parent’s out there, many who have voiced very loudly, how angry they are that people don’t want to do anything to help find a cure. That people don’t care about their children. So, to those of you who have a child who was at some point diagnosed with cancer & is now doing well, in remission, & you sit back & do nothing for the cause, I have a question. How they hell or why the hell, do you expect people who don’t have a child with cancer to fight for our children & raise funds for our children, when you don’t? In my experience, I find, that most of the individuals, fighting for your children, grandchildren, are the ones who have lost a Child. I have also found out something, that many of you are unaware. What is that? It is that there are a great deal of people whose children are healthy, and people who don’t even have children, who spend a great deal of their time, helping in the fight to find a cure for Children Fighting this Monster.

Do we need more people?  You damn right we do. But we also need every parent who has traveled this journey to be fighting too. Because somebody else, who had a child with cancer, before your child was diagnosed, fought for this cause, so that your child had a better chance of surviving.

I could say, “Screw it, Ashley’s journey with cancer is over. So, I am done with this fight” But is it over? Will it ever be over? No, it isn’t, over. It isn’t over because, although you may feel like Ashley is INSIGNIFICANT to each of you, SHE IS SIGNIFICANT, SHE IS VERY SIGNIFICANT. Her Risk, That Took Her Life, made an impact on Every potential Child who will be diagnosed with cancer. Children she didn’t know, children we will never know. One Person’s action has the potential to have an impact on the lives of more people than we know. Ashley could have done her radiation & been done. She responded better than most children did, to radiation the first time. The concern of radiation a second time was not as to whether it would cure her, but the concern was whether she could survive that much radiation. She did survive the radiation.

Ashley could have done the radiation & went on with the rest of her life. She would likely be in her Residency. Maybe married. Possibly already have 1 or 2 of her 5-6 Children. She would have been living Her dreams. She could have just worried about her & said. “Let somebody else worry about the other children.” But she didn’t do that & because She didn’t, because She cared so much, She is gone today, and We are forced to live in this world without our Wonderful, Beautiful Ashley. So that is how we have become significant. Not in a “We changed the World way.” But because we are left to suffer extreme pain because our Daughter, Our Sister, Sacrificed Her Life, so if  a child you love gets cancer, their chances of surviving, can be increased. She is the one who Changed the World. Made a Difference.

So, if you think I am ever going to let the world FORGET what my Daughter Did, you are Crazy. Because She Was Significant to This World & I am going to make sure that everybody knows that & never forgets it. I am going to keep talking, until I am blue in the face, until people open their eyes & realize we need to get our heads out of our asses & help Our Children. Or Until I Die.

You may be tired or reading my posts, or you may be tired of seeing my pain. Well I am tired of living every day without My Ashley.

Why does it seem like cancer has become an accepted disease? To say that it hasn't, is a lie. If that is not the case, then why is it such a fight to find funding for a cure? Why is that especially true for Childhood Cancer?

The approach toward childhood cancer is so totally F***** Up. The only place I truly trust, is St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. To so many, it's a job, an income, a way to make a name for themselves. A chance for the world to know who they are. A chance to be acknowledged & titled as the best of the best. But St. Jude is so different. It was started by a Man that truly cared about children. He & his friends dedicated a great deal of their time, for nothing in return, to help save children’s lives. Why? Because they were grateful for how good life had been to them. Because they had the ability to help others. They did so because as Danny Thomas said, “No Child Should Have to Die in The Dawn of Life.”

Ashley gave Her life for this cause. So many children who have left this world because of this disease, have made a difference in the lives of children who are fighting or will fight this disease. Don’t we owe it to Ashley & each of Them, to be the adults of this world, & contribute to Our Children’s Future. Ensure that our children have a future. I am not just talking about our own children. I am talking about all children. There are children fighting many diseases that can use our help. Childhood Cancer is the number one cause of death by disease in children. More than many diseases combined. Don’t you think that is something that needs our attention? How about we MARCH for Our Children. How About we get as loud for them, as we do for ourselves. It is so sad how much time and effort we will put into so many different things for OURSELVES. How about we put an effort into The Children of this World Who Are Dying. I think focus & funding, for Our Children Fighting Cancer should be more important than “The Dreamers”.  You Know, Our Children, Who Are actually US Citizens. Our Children Who are DYING. We don’t have US Funding for them, But we have no problem putting money into Legalizing Dreamers. Something that will cost the US over $26 billion, over the next decade. We will shut down our Government to fight for the “DREAMERS”. But we have no problem letting Legal Citizens of this country, THE CHILDREN of this country, DIE. I would say our priorities in this country are beyond screwed up.

Let me tell you, it makes my pain of losing Ashley, because She cared enough to Risk her Life for Our Children, much more intense, when I see many in our Government caring more about illegals, than they do about the Children who are US Citizens.

I keep fighting for your children. Even though My Ashley is Gone, I keep fighting. Even though it is extremely difficult running this foundation without Ashley by my side, running it with me, I keep fighting. I do it because not doing so, would dishonor everything Ashley Did. I do it because not doing it, would be failing Her like so many people failed her the last 8 months of Her life & many other moments throught Her fight. I Can’t Fail Her Any More Than She Has Already Been.

Are you going to Help the Children of this country, in some way? OR, Are you going to walk away from this post & go about your life as usual? One day you could wake up & find out a child you love has cancer. When that happens, you are going to wish that you did something to increase their chances of survival. I am not trying to be a B****, I am just trying to open the worlds eyes to how much, as a society, we fail Our Children. How much more of a difference we could make & WE DON'T.