Ashley Forever: To Make Sense of It You Must Live It

Day 178~

To make sense of this, you must live it. When Ashley was still here and fighting this monster, I could not imagine losing her. The thought ate me up inside, so much so that I convinced myself it couldn't happen, it wasn't going to happen, because I could not IMAGINE Life in this world without My Ashley.

Then I Lost My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. My head knows this, but my heart does not want to accept it. It does not want to imagine a life without My Ashley. Every time my heart tries to imagine it, to accept it, the pain, the heartache, the tears surface. The most intense, unbearable pain you could ever IMAGINE. But you can't IMAGINE the pain because the pain is UNIMAGINABLE.

So my head and heart are in a constant battle. All day every day I face this battle. It is like a battle against good and evil. My head is the Evil that has knowledge of the most unimaginable pain. The one thing in this world, capable of destroying me. My Heart is the Good, TRYING to prevent me from living a life full or endless agony, endless pain My head is telling me that Ashley is gone, but my heart does not want to accept or IMAGINE it.

Neither my head, nor my heart, will ever win this battle. I will never fully accept this or get over IT, because "IT" is My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. If you think my pain is excruciating now, total and final acceptance, would be the ultimate destruction of me. So, this will be a constant battle, with constant agonizing pain, till the day I die.

The Loss of a Child cannot be IMAGINED and I HOPE & PRAY that you never have to live what I am living through now and will have to live through for the rest of my life.

I Love & Miss You So Much, My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. More Each Day & Till The Day I FULLY DIE.