Day 58-My Baby Girl

Day 58

The pain never decreases, it intensifies each day. Each day that we are without Our Beautiful Ashley, there is a never ending yearning to see, hear, feel and live a life that includes Our Ashley.

Yesterday, someone said to me, “You just need to learn to live that new normal.” I know that people mean well, but there is NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT LIVING IN A WORLD THAT YOUR CHILD WAS TAKEN FROM. Living A “New Normal” is something you learn to live after you or someone you love is diagnosed with cancer. It is something you learn to live when a parent, or a grandparent, who lived a long life, leaves this world. It IS NOT something you learn to live after your child is taken from you. There is no “New Normal”, because it is NOT NORMAL for you to out live any of your children. It is NOT NORMAL for a BEAUTIFUL, KIND, CARING, SELFLESS, HERO LIKE OUR ASHLEY TO HAVE HER LIFE TAKEN FROM HER. It is not normal at all and I do not understand and I never will understand.

I continue to look for signs. Anything that will let me know Our Ashley is Okay. Let me know that she is here with us. I do see signs that people have said are signs, but I am not convinced. So I know we all look at our phones multiple times throughout the day, but the time on our phone does not always stand out or have significance to us. The week before last, I happened to pick up my phone to go to my email and the time was 09 05. The time is displayed on my screen stacked. So the hour is on top and the minutes below and there is always a zero before the single digit times. So then later that afternoon, I grabbed my phone again to go on facebook and the time displayed  04 21. For those who do not know, 09/05 is Ashley’s Birthday and 04/21 is the day she left us for Heaven. Coincedence? Maybe, maybe not, I am just not sure. It happened a couple more times after that. But still not convinced.

I know that Cardinals are supposed to be a sign. I have seen a Cardinial in our yard quite frequently over the last several weeks. A lot today. I heard it and then saw it in the tree. Then it flew away and a few minutes later came back and sat on a wire about 20 feet away. Then it flew away again and a few minutes later landed on a wire above the garage. Then it flew away, I went inside for a few minutes, came back out, and I said, if that is you Ashley, come back, and it flew over the pool, landed on the wire for a second, then flew away. Then Mike came out and we saw it sitting on the lower part of the fence at the end of our yard. As I sit here typing I have heard and seen it multiple more times. The other day, when I went for a run, a Cardinal flew right in front of me. If someone heard me, they probably thought I was a nut. I said out loud, “Ok Cardinal, I saw you fly in front of me, It doesn’t mean you are My Ashley trying to reach out to me. Ashley, if that is you, I am not convinced, I need more.” I am really not convinced about the Cardinal. We do live in the state of Illinois after all and the Cardinal is our state bird, so it would not be uncommon to see Cardinals. Now, if I lived in a state that Cardinals are not commonly seen, then maybe I would be convinced. I just think we have a couple Cardinals living somewhere within the few houses surrounding us.

I need a more concrete sign, something undeniable. I am in so much pain and it is not lessening at all with each passing day. I don’t think it ever will. In fact, it seems to increase every day. I Miss Our Ashley So Much That It is So Hard To Function Day To Day. Knowing How Bad Ashley Wanted To Live, Knowing How Hard She Fought makes my heart hurt more. Lately I Keep Seeing and Hearing Over and Over in My Head, That Unprofessional, Rotten Doctor of Ashley’s Sitting on the side of Ashley’s Hospital Bed, Saying to Ashley, “You do not qualify for anymore treatment because you need to be stronger. Ashley, you do know that there is no cure for you.” I can see the look on my daughter’s face, I can hear her say to me after that witch left the room, “What they hell did she say that for, what the hell is her problem.” Then I remember Ashley wanting to exercise and I told her that she could walk back and forth across the room. Then when we finished that, I look over and see Ashley doing squats. After being in bed for so long, starting 24 hours later, those squats caused Ashley intense pain. It made it harder for her to move around. It then caused her to compensate with her arms, then causing them to be in pain. It made it harder for her to walk so her lungs could expand. Thus causing fluid buildup in her lungs and eventually leading to her being air lifted to the hospital. That Witch Exposed So Much Negativity to Our Very Positive Ashley. Those words made Ashley want to get stronger, want to work harder so she could get her cure. That is how badly Our Ashley Wanted to Live. That witch of an UNPROFESSIONAL, HEARTLESS Doctor, should be nowhere near children. That is all she ever did. Her, the fellow and her nurse practitioner, were nothing but negative. We told them over and over not to be that way. We told them that Ashley didn’t like that. That Ashley was positive. But they didn’t listen. It was like they were trying to bring her down. Then when they found out we were taking her to Seattle, the tried to do everything to make it so that wouldn’t happen. Just like they did when the Boston Doctor called them. We were getting things set up to go to Boston, then the doctor talked to that WITCH and all of a sudden the doctor calls and tells us that it is probably not best to bring Ashley. She needs to be stronger. But the Seattle doctor told us that Ashley will not get stronger till we get the AML into remission, so if you are waiting for her to get stronger, it is not going to happen. Ashley’s Chicago doctors asked me if I wanted them to talk to the doctor in Seattle. Asked if maybe he had something they could do there. I said NO, We are going to Seattle and there is no need for you to talk to the doctor there. I have been talking to him. They wanted to ruin that too. But instead, they filled her full of fluid, and never removed any. They said her lungs were fine and then 5 days later, she was being air lifted because of her lungs. It is like the didn’t want her to make it to Seattle. Like they played God with Ashley’s Life. They thought she shouldn’t fight anymore and it didn’t matter to them that Ashley wanted to.

So you can maybe understand that this is way more difficult than anyone can comprehend.

The Past-My Baby Girl   

I told a little bit of my story yesterday. I did so to try and help you understand my utmost belief and faith in God. It also was to understand that from a very young age, my purpose in life was to be a nurturer, a mother. Being a mother meant everything to me, it means everything to me. My children are my life, they define me.

Age 10- Now Fast forward 12 years to age 22. Prior to getting pregnant with Ashley, I lost two babies. I was afraid that I would never have children. Then I got pregnant with Ashley. At first, I did not allow myself to get excited about my pregnancy because I was afraid that I would lose this baby too. As the months past and everything seemed to be going well with my pregnancy, I was very excited about the fact that I was going to have a baby. I started to call her Ashley when she was in my belly. I never found out whether or not the baby was a boy or girl. I didn’t need to. I knew she was a girl and I knew she was special before she was even born.

More later……..