Day 74
I am not sure how I am getting through each day. First thing
when I wake up, I am sick to my stomach. When I get out of bed and move around,
I start to cry because I miss my Ashley so much. The pain is so intense. I feel
like I am walking in a daze, kind of like a dream. I can see everything
happening around me, but it don’t seem real, it is hazy. Like life is no longer
real. I feel like a zombie. Like Living Death. Crying often throughout the day. Then I cry every night before bed. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep.
Today Mike and I did some things around the house and then
we went to them cemetery like we do every day. I read chapter 4 of “Soul Proof”.
Since I started to read this book, I am there for at least an hour each day. I
am reading other things as well, but this is the one I read at the cemetery. So
far I am finding no comfort, because all I want is My Ashley, Here, With ME.
That will never change.
Before we went to the cemetery, we stopped at McDonald’s to
get drinks. I saw an older man sitting inside by himself. Through the years,
there were occasions where we have went out eat for a holiday with family.
Often I would see a man or a lady sitting by themselves and it would saddened
me. I wondered why they were not with family. Maybe they didn’t have anyone
left. Now I wonder if they lost someone that they loved so deeply, that
holidays were no longer part of their lives. That those holidays brought so
much pain because they are a Heart Breaking Reminder of The Fact That The Person
They Loved So Much, Is No Longer Here. I wonder that, because that is how I
feel. I have no desire to acknowledge, let alone celebrate any holiday. Ashley
So Loved ALL of the Holiday’s, More Than Anyone I Had Ever Seen. Ashley Loved
Them SO Much, Because Holiday’s Meant Special Time With Our Families and That
Was The Most Important Thing In The World To Ashley. So there is no way I can
bear to celebrate any holiday.
I Just Can’t Find Joy In Anything Without My Beautiful
Ashley. I feel like I am dying a SLOW and Painful Death.
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