A Rare Gem

I am sharing yesterday’s blog post.



Day 73



The Pain is not getting easier, in fact It is getting worse. I will never get used to living in a world without My Beautiful Ashley. NEVER. I yearn to see, hear, hug & kiss My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. The further away from the last time I did, makes me yearn for her even more.



Every day I relive the reality that My Ashley is no longer here with me and that I have to spend the rest of my days without her.



I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I can't fully explain the pain and I can promise, for each of us it's different. Each of us deals with pain differently and each of us share a different relationship with our children. It's indescribable. I hope you never have to understand.



This is the worst, Never ending, excruciating and unbearable pain you would ever feel. And in order to truly understand my pain, you would first have to understand me and how I think and feel and most importantly, you would have to know Ashley the way we know Ashley.  The way I know Ashley.  Many of you know Ashley through how I described her, but I promise, that was not enough to truly know and understand who Ashley is. She is like no one I have ever meet. A rare Gem.



Did you know that there are roughly 200 varieties of natural gemstones known in the world today. Alongside the world’s precious gems (diamond, ruby, sapphire, and emerald) are numerous semi-precious stones, some of which are so incredibly rare that their value outstrips many of the world's most valuable precious gems.



That is Ashley. So incredibly rare that her value outstripped those who may be considered most valuable.



If only the world were filled with more people like Our Ashley. She is a special gift to this world.

Many people have praised me for being such a wonderful Mom. I heard very often how it is amazing how I took care of her, how I was by her side, every second of every day. I mean the praises I have heard were just wonderful complements. The thing is, there is no reason to be praising me for that. I am Ashley’s Mom and that is what I am supposed to do. It shouldn’t be something amazing. I do not need to be praised for it. The day I decided to bring my children in to this world, is the day I was supposed to commit my life to those children. They didn’t ask to be brought into this world. I chose to bring them into the world. With that choice, we also must decide that they are now number one. It is no longer “ME” that is my priority, they are now my priority. They come first, before anyone or anything else including myself. That means, whether they have an easy life or a hard life, I am supposed to be by their side to care for, nurture and protect them. When we marry, our vows include the words, “For Better or For Worse, In Sickness & in Health,  For Richer, For Poorer, To Love and To Cherish, From This Day Forward, Until Death Do Us Part.” Like those words in marriage, those words hold true for having children. They may not be said in a ceremony, but they are words that go without saying when you have a child. Feelings that should automatically be engraved in Our Hearts. The only difference in those words for a child than for a marriage, is that they should say, Until Death Do I Depart, because a Mother, A Parent, Is not made to bury their Child, It is not the Natural Way of Life. We are supposed to go before them.

So, I should not be praised for being there for My Beautiful Ashley. I should not be praised for nurturing her, for fighting along side of her. For anything that I did. That is what we are supposed to do as a Mother, as a Parent. We chose to give them life, so then we chose also to care for that life no matter what, and it doesn’t end when they become adults. We don’t just write them off and send them on their way when they are adults. No one ever stops wanting their Mom when they are sick or hurting. So we shouldn’t stop being there for them. So, if someone can’t put their children’s lives before their own and be there for their children through whatever life may bring, then they shouldn’t be a Mom, a Dad, a Parent. It is not something we should be praised for, it is something that should be natural. Done without even giving it a second thought.

Taking Care Of My Beautiful Ashley Was The Easy Part, Seeing Her Suffer Was Extremely Hard & Painful and Living Without Her Is The Worst, Most Excruciating, Most Unbearable, Painful Thing I Have Ever and Will Ever Have To Endure. I would have happily taken care of My Sweet Beautiful Ashley, Until The Day I Died.

So You See, Ashley Was A Rare Gem In A World Filled With Beautiful Stones. She shines Like No Other. She Glimmers With Hope & Faith & Inspires So Many. I Am Blessed to Be Ashley’s Mother. I Feel Honored & Privileged to Be Given Such a Rare & Precious Gift. So if anyone thinks that time will heal my heart, that memories will make me smile, that one day I will wake up and have found a way to live my life without My Sweet Beautiful  Ashley, you are so wrong. Someday, I will find the strength to write my book and then you will be able to understand A Little Better  About Who Ashley Is & Why She Is One of the Rarest Gems To Walk This Earth and Why No One Could Ever Learn to Live In A World Without Her. Every day is a constant struggle to get through 7 filled with so much pain & so many tears.