I Felt Like I Had Died Too

Day 82

Leaving A Mother In This World, Without Her Precious Child, That She Carried for 9 Months, That She Nurtured, That She Loves With All Her Heart & Soul, Is The Cruelest Type Of Pain There Is. Cruelest Form Of Punishment. Not Just For Her, But For Her Other Children As Well.

A Loss This Great, The Greatest Loss Ever, Destroys Your Soul & Crushes Your Heart.

There Is No Cure, No Fixing It. You Don't Get Over It. The Pain Does Not Lessen. You Live Every Day Of Your Life As If Someone Is Twisting Your Gut, Stepping On Your Chest, Making It Hard To Breath.  You Feel As If You Might Loss Your Mind At Any Second Because You Keep Yearning For Something You Know You Can Never Have; Your Child Here With You. Your Childs Life Continuously Flashes Before Your Eyes, As If You Are In That Moment Again, For Just A Second. You Do Everything You Can To Keep Your Head Above Water. Trying To Prevent Yourself From Drowning In The Pain. You Wake Every Day Praying It Was All Just A Nightmare. You Cry Every Morning, Every Night & Multiple Times Throughout the Day. Nothing You Do, Nothing Anyone Says, Can Stop The Pain. Nothing Can Remove The Thoughts That Constantly Go Through Your Head About The What If’s.

You Are FOREVER CHANGED. A World That Once Was Full Of Beautiful Colors, Is Now Gray. Smiles Are No Longer Real. When You Smile You Can Feel Your Lips Shaking, Trying To Go Back To The Frown That Is A Permanent Fixture On Your Face. Your Tears Are Endless & The Flow Is Heavy.

You Are No Longer You. You Are Someone You Have Never Known Before, Someone You Never Wanted To Be. You Look In The Mirror & You No Longer Recognize The Reflection Starring Back At You. It Is A Stranger You Are Looking At.

You Count The Days Since The Last Time That You Saw Your Beautiful Child, Touched Their Beautiful Face, Heard Their Voice, Hugged & Kissed Them. You Pray Day & Night That There Really Is An After Life & That You Will See Your Child Again. But The Doubts That You Have Eat You Up, Thinking That You Never Will See Your Child Again.

It Is Hell, Torture, You Are In A Constant State Of Misery.

I Can’t Speak For All Mothers Who Have Lost A Child, But This Is My Life. My Beautiful Ashley Is No Longer Here With Me. Instead of Walking To Her Bedroom To Say Good Morning. Instead of Doing Various Things To Spend Quality Time With Her, Making Memories With Her. Instead Of Sitting Across From Her, Having Converations & Laughing With Her. Instead Of Kissing Her Good Night, Telling Her “Love You, See You In The Morning.” I Get To Go To The Cemetery Every Day, Sit In Front Of Her Monument, Talk To Her, Read To Her & Sit There Trying To Absorb The Reality That My Beautiful Ashley Is No Longer Here With Me & Wonder If I Will Ever See Her Again. I Leave There Wishing There Were A Way To Go Back In Time.

This Is My New Life. This Is My Boys Life. My Husbands Life. We Are Forever Changed.

Sometimes, Although Not Intentional, The Words People Say, Make The Pain Worse.

Some Things Never To Say To A Mother Or Father Who Has Lost A Child

You Need To Move On ~ Not Possible To Move On From The Loss Of A Child~ At Least Not For Me. Ashley Was Part Of My Everything. I Live For My Children. It Is Who I Am. They Mean More To Me Than Life Itself. They Are Your Child & There Is No Moving Forward From This…. You Now Just Dwell In A World Like A Robot.

God Needed Another Angel ~ Easy To Say When It Wasn’t Your Child That He Took.

At Least They Are No Longer In Pain (Or Anything That Begins With At Least) ~ My Ashley Was Willing To Endure Whatever Pain She Needed To Live, Because She Wanted So Badly To Live. (So That Doesn’t Help, In Fact It Makes The Pain Worse)

You Will See Them Again ~ Will We Really See Our Children Again?  Think About Whether Or Not That Would Bring You Comfort If You Had To Spend The Rest Of Your Life, Be it 5, 10, 15, 20, 30, 40+ Years Without Your Child Here With You.

Your Child Wouldn’t Want You To Be Sad ~ No Matter What Your Child Would Want, You Can’t Just Flip A Switch & Shut Off Your Pain. Not Possible.

There Are More, But I Am Too Tired To Think…….