No Longer Who I Once Was

Day 86

Each Day I Fight Through The Hell I Am Forced To Face. A Hell that you cannot understand, unless you too have lost a child. But even then, we all face things differently. We all have different personalities, we have different relationships with our children. Just as no two people think exactly alike, no two people grieve alike.

Ashley isn’t just my daughter, she is my best friend, my Co-worker. So I am dealing with the loss of someone who was more than just My Daughter. The loss of a child is the greatest loss anyone can suffer. I know that because I have lost a Mother, a Father, A Step Father, Grandmother, Grandfather and even a Brother. Although I grieved with great pain and feel their loss, there is no greater loss, no greater pain, than that of losing your child, In My case, My Daughter, My Beautiful Ashley. Now add the fact that she knowingly risked her life for other’s and that just makes it even harder. Add the fact that she had the most amazing attitude about and never complained about her cancer and all that she had gone through and that makes it harder. Add to the fact that the inadequate care of an incompetent hospital is what ended up taking Ashley’s life and that makes it even harder. Add to the fact that Ashley was willing to endure whatever pain she had to, because she wanted to live that badly, and that makes it even harder. So as I said, each of our circumstances are different, each of our relationships are different, so each of us will grieve differently.

I was always a glass half full type of person. I always saw the positive side of everything. I appreciated and cherished everyone in my life, everything that I had. I never cared about  material things because I knew what was important in life. I was very happy to just live a simple life. As long as I had My Children, My Husband and My Family, Life Was Good. 

But Life is No Longer Good. I am no longer me. No longer the person that I was, before My Beautiful Ashley was taken from us, from me. My family has been torn apart. The reasons that I was the way I was, was because  the thing I wanted most in life, more than anything else, was my Children. My Children all happy, healthy and All Of Them Here With Me. People expect me to be the strong, positive person that I used to be. The person that I was before My Beautiful Ashley was taken from us, from me. Ashley Taught Us All Strength & Positivity. She taught us what was important in life. She showed us what it meant to be selfless and put others before ourselves. We lived our lives that way. We were not perfect, but we gave, expecting only to receive this beautiful life we had, in return. A life with love and happiness. The simple life. We gave & gave, only we didn’t receive that continued simple life, that happiness. Instead, the person who gave the most, My Sweet Beautiful Ashley, was rewarded with Her life being taken. We were rewarded with living in constant misery, for the rest of our lives Without that Beautiful Soul, Without Our Sweet Beautiful Ashley.

So that person many of you knew, she is gone, she is non-existent. She Left this world with Her Beautiful Ashley. She is now a shell, a robot, forced to exsist in a world without My Sweet Beautiful Ashley.

If Not For My Boy's,  I Would Lay Down & Die. Every Day Is A Torture That  Cannot Be Described.