Day 144~
144 Days Without My Daughter. Without My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. I Talk to Ashley a Lot. I Am Still Not Sure There Is an Afterlife, a Heaven, But I Talk to Her Just the Same. I Do So Because I Want More Than Anything to Believe That There Is an Afterlife and That Ashley Can Hear Me and Most Importantly, That I Will See Her Again.
So Occasionally When I Am Talking to Her, I Ask Her Why She Had to Be So Selfless. Why She Couldn't Have Been Just a Little Bit Selfish. But That Is a Big Part of What Made Ashley Such a Unique and Amazing Human Being, Her Selflessness. The Way She Put Others Before Herself.
A Couple Weeks Back, I Said That There Were Two Reasons Why I Post Every Day and That I Would Share Them Later. I Will Do That Now.
The First Reason Is That I Must Get My Feelings Out. It Is How I Deal. I Carry Not Only My Pain, But the Pain of So Many Others. I Feel the Pain of Others, Deeply. I Have Been That Way Since I was a Kid. I Shed Tears for Others. For People, I Have Never Even Met. It Is Part of the Reason I Have Pretty Much Always Had a Difficult Time Falling Asleep. The Brain Is Reeling About So Much and I Can't Shut It Off. So, I Must Get It Out. If Not, I Would Explode.
The Second Reason Is I Hope and Pray, That in Sharing Ashley's Journey and My Pain and The Pain of My Family, That It Will Somehow Help Increase Awareness and Funding for Childhood Cancer and That We Can Not Just Find a Cure for All Children Fighting This Monster, But I Pray That We Can Also Find a Cause and a Way to Prevent Childhood Cancer. I Am Actually Starting To Focus My Time and Effort Into Doing What It Takes To Find a Cause.
So, There Is Something I want To Share. I have Not Shared This with Anyone. But I Want Other's to Know What Losing a Child Can Do to a Parent. Especially a Mother. I Do Not Mean to Make Dad's Feel Less Important, But When You Carry a Child, There Is a Connection You Have with Your Child, That No Other Human Being Will Ever Be Able to Have.
This Moment I Had, Also Taught Me Something Very Important About Another Important Cause We Should Be Raising Awareness For.
A Couple Weeks After Ashley Passed Away, I Was Getting All the Medical Supplies, Equipment and Medicine Out of The House. Ashley Never Wanted Her Cancer to Define Her and I Didn't Want It Too Either. I Didn't Want My Daughter Remembered for The Excruciatingly, Horrible Pain She Endured, Especially for The Last 2 1/2 Years of Her Life. I Want Her to Be Remembered for The Kind, Caring Compassionate, Hero That She Is. So, I Was Packing Up What Needed Packing and Throwing Out What Needed to Be Thrown Out. Most of This Stuff Was in Her Room, Along with Every Picture, Medal, Trophy, Knickknack, Jewelry, Clothing, Movies, Books, Even Her Smell and Things with Her Handwriting. Everything That Represented Ashley and Who She Is. So, I Was Beside Myself in Pain. Missing My Precious Ashley So Much. All I Wanted to Do at That Moment Was Lay Down and Die, Just Like My Daughter and All I Wanted, Was to Be with Her. So, I Came Across Ashley's Bottle of Morphine. It Was Almost Filled. Let's Just Say There Was More Than Enough in There to Painlessly Go to Sleep and Never Wake Up. Enough to Let Me Go Be with My Girl. I Thought About It, For A Moment and Then I Ran to The Kitchen and I Emptied That Bottle as Quickly as I Could. Two Things Stopped Me. Two Things That Made the Thought Exit My Mind as Quickly as It Entered. The Two Thing Are Not Things at All, They Are Michael & Jake. If Not for My Two Boys, I Might Not Be Here Right Now, Typing This Post, to Share with All of You.
So, There Are a Couple Lessons to Learn from This. One is, That It Shows You How Deep the Pain of Losing a Child Is. So Deep That One Would Rather Die, Than Feel the Pain They Are Feeling. It Makes You Wonder, What Happens to The Mom or Dad, That Has That Thought About It and Doesn’t Have Another Child to Live For. A Child to Save Them.
Another Very Important Thing I Learned Is, How Hard It Is to Just BAM Want to Take Your Life. You Truly Think About It for a While. The Thought Is Scary and The Choice Is Anything but Easy. But Then I Learned That When You Reach That Point, How Quickly & Easily One Could Do It. The Thing Is, There Are Signs That People Are Showing Us and We Are Missing Them. They Are Crying for Help and We Don’t Even Realize It. Suicide Is Not the Easy Way Out Like So Many Like to Say. Sometimes, You Feel So Much Pain, That It Seems Like the Only Answer to Stop Your Pain. But It’s Not the Only Answer and We Can Help and Prevent So Many Suicides If We Can Just Educate Ourselves on The Signs.
PLEASE DON’T EVER CALL SOMEONE WHO COMMITS SUCIDE A COWARD. I Promise You, They Are Anything But. They Are Human Beings Who Carry So Much Pain and They Reach Out for Help and We Unintentionally Don’t See It and They Get to The Point Where They Just Don’t Want to Feel That Pain Anymore. They Don’t Want to Keep Having Painful Moments in Their Life Play Over and Over in Their Head. So Then That Moment Comes and They Are Desperate and They Are Faced with An Opportunity to End the Pain and Without a Second Thought, They Do It and They Are Gone. Believe Me, You Are Not a Coward When You Take Your Life, You Fight It with All That You Have. But Not Everyone Has a Michael & Jake, To Give Them a Reason NOT TOO.
So, If There Is Anyone Out There Contemplating Suicide, Please Reach Out for Help. There Are So Many People Willing to Help You Get Through Your Pain. To Help You Fight the Demons That You Face. I Know That It May Seem Like It Is the Only Answer, Believe Me, I Know. But It Is Not. People Care and Want to Help. I Care and Want to Help.
For More Information on Suicide Prevention Go To https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
BE THE GOOD ~ Make a Difference In This World. In Someone's Life.
I Miss & Love You So Much Baby Girl. My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. My Missy Moo.
ASHLEY, FOREVER IN MY HEART….
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
144 Days Without My Daughter. Without My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. I Talk to Ashley a Lot. I Am Still Not Sure There Is an Afterlife, a Heaven, But I Talk to Her Just the Same. I Do So Because I Want More Than Anything to Believe That There Is an Afterlife and That Ashley Can Hear Me and Most Importantly, That I Will See Her Again.
So Occasionally When I Am Talking to Her, I Ask Her Why She Had to Be So Selfless. Why She Couldn't Have Been Just a Little Bit Selfish. But That Is a Big Part of What Made Ashley Such a Unique and Amazing Human Being, Her Selflessness. The Way She Put Others Before Herself.
A Couple Weeks Back, I Said That There Were Two Reasons Why I Post Every Day and That I Would Share Them Later. I Will Do That Now.
The First Reason Is That I Must Get My Feelings Out. It Is How I Deal. I Carry Not Only My Pain, But the Pain of So Many Others. I Feel the Pain of Others, Deeply. I Have Been That Way Since I was a Kid. I Shed Tears for Others. For People, I Have Never Even Met. It Is Part of the Reason I Have Pretty Much Always Had a Difficult Time Falling Asleep. The Brain Is Reeling About So Much and I Can't Shut It Off. So, I Must Get It Out. If Not, I Would Explode.
The Second Reason Is I Hope and Pray, That in Sharing Ashley's Journey and My Pain and The Pain of My Family, That It Will Somehow Help Increase Awareness and Funding for Childhood Cancer and That We Can Not Just Find a Cure for All Children Fighting This Monster, But I Pray That We Can Also Find a Cause and a Way to Prevent Childhood Cancer. I Am Actually Starting To Focus My Time and Effort Into Doing What It Takes To Find a Cause.
So, There Is Something I want To Share. I have Not Shared This with Anyone. But I Want Other's to Know What Losing a Child Can Do to a Parent. Especially a Mother. I Do Not Mean to Make Dad's Feel Less Important, But When You Carry a Child, There Is a Connection You Have with Your Child, That No Other Human Being Will Ever Be Able to Have.
This Moment I Had, Also Taught Me Something Very Important About Another Important Cause We Should Be Raising Awareness For.
A Couple Weeks After Ashley Passed Away, I Was Getting All the Medical Supplies, Equipment and Medicine Out of The House. Ashley Never Wanted Her Cancer to Define Her and I Didn't Want It Too Either. I Didn't Want My Daughter Remembered for The Excruciatingly, Horrible Pain She Endured, Especially for The Last 2 1/2 Years of Her Life. I Want Her to Be Remembered for The Kind, Caring Compassionate, Hero That She Is. So, I Was Packing Up What Needed Packing and Throwing Out What Needed to Be Thrown Out. Most of This Stuff Was in Her Room, Along with Every Picture, Medal, Trophy, Knickknack, Jewelry, Clothing, Movies, Books, Even Her Smell and Things with Her Handwriting. Everything That Represented Ashley and Who She Is. So, I Was Beside Myself in Pain. Missing My Precious Ashley So Much. All I Wanted to Do at That Moment Was Lay Down and Die, Just Like My Daughter and All I Wanted, Was to Be with Her. So, I Came Across Ashley's Bottle of Morphine. It Was Almost Filled. Let's Just Say There Was More Than Enough in There to Painlessly Go to Sleep and Never Wake Up. Enough to Let Me Go Be with My Girl. I Thought About It, For A Moment and Then I Ran to The Kitchen and I Emptied That Bottle as Quickly as I Could. Two Things Stopped Me. Two Things That Made the Thought Exit My Mind as Quickly as It Entered. The Two Thing Are Not Things at All, They Are Michael & Jake. If Not for My Two Boys, I Might Not Be Here Right Now, Typing This Post, to Share with All of You.
So, There Are a Couple Lessons to Learn from This. One is, That It Shows You How Deep the Pain of Losing a Child Is. So Deep That One Would Rather Die, Than Feel the Pain They Are Feeling. It Makes You Wonder, What Happens to The Mom or Dad, That Has That Thought About It and Doesn’t Have Another Child to Live For. A Child to Save Them.
Another Very Important Thing I Learned Is, How Hard It Is to Just BAM Want to Take Your Life. You Truly Think About It for a While. The Thought Is Scary and The Choice Is Anything but Easy. But Then I Learned That When You Reach That Point, How Quickly & Easily One Could Do It. The Thing Is, There Are Signs That People Are Showing Us and We Are Missing Them. They Are Crying for Help and We Don’t Even Realize It. Suicide Is Not the Easy Way Out Like So Many Like to Say. Sometimes, You Feel So Much Pain, That It Seems Like the Only Answer to Stop Your Pain. But It’s Not the Only Answer and We Can Help and Prevent So Many Suicides If We Can Just Educate Ourselves on The Signs.
PLEASE DON’T EVER CALL SOMEONE WHO COMMITS SUCIDE A COWARD. I Promise You, They Are Anything But. They Are Human Beings Who Carry So Much Pain and They Reach Out for Help and We Unintentionally Don’t See It and They Get to The Point Where They Just Don’t Want to Feel That Pain Anymore. They Don’t Want to Keep Having Painful Moments in Their Life Play Over and Over in Their Head. So Then That Moment Comes and They Are Desperate and They Are Faced with An Opportunity to End the Pain and Without a Second Thought, They Do It and They Are Gone. Believe Me, You Are Not a Coward When You Take Your Life, You Fight It with All That You Have. But Not Everyone Has a Michael & Jake, To Give Them a Reason NOT TOO.
So, If There Is Anyone Out There Contemplating Suicide, Please Reach Out for Help. There Are So Many People Willing to Help You Get Through Your Pain. To Help You Fight the Demons That You Face. I Know That It May Seem Like It Is the Only Answer, Believe Me, I Know. But It Is Not. People Care and Want to Help. I Care and Want to Help.
For More Information on Suicide Prevention Go To https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
BE THE GOOD ~ Make a Difference In This World. In Someone's Life.
I Miss & Love You So Much Baby Girl. My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. My Missy Moo.
ASHLEY, FOREVER IN MY HEART….
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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