1st Trip Back To Memphis Without Ashley

Day 223~

Heading to Memphis. Being in Memphis is going to be very difficult for Mike, Jake and I. VERY DIFFICULT.

St. Jude is a very important part of Ashley's Life. To Us, St. Jude is Ashley. While most kids were out playing, having fun, just being a kid, Ashley was fighting cancer, the side effects of treatment, promoting St. Jude & fighting to find a cure by raising funds for St. Jude & Helping Families. Since she was 9, Ashley was always more concerned about the other children, than she was herself. When someone would ask her how she was, she would always say, "I am doing well. It could be worse & for someone else it is."

Ashley grew up going to St. Jude. She loved St. Jude. She loved the POSITIVE Environment. The essence of HOPE. Everything about St. Jude represented Happiness to Ashley. Danny Thomas was Her Hero & St. Jude & Her Doctor & Nurse's & Staff Were Her Cure. They gave her Life, A Future. They gave Her What She Wanted More Than Anything, "Life." She would still be Here Today, if we would not have let Chicago be part of her treatment.

So Everything About St. Jude is Ashley. Everything about St. Jude represents the Future She was supposed to have.

So going there without My Girl is going to be beyond difficult. Paula Head, a very kind woman, who works with families that are coming back to St. Jude, after losing their Child, asked me if we wanted to go visit the hospital. I told her I can't. Not right now. I am just not ready for that. It is going to be hard enough just being in Memphis. Then Running through the campus past the spot where Ashley was cheering us on last time we ran the half. I couldn't even bring myself to go to the Pasta Party. Ashley was always with us when we were at St. Jude. Paula agreed it was probably a good idea not to visit the hospital this trip. Paula lost her own Daughter, Carson, to cancer several years ago, so she gets it.

There will be an ASHLEY FOREVER Shirt hanging at the Expo along with shirts of other Children. Even going to the Expo is going to be hard.

I Miss My Girl so Much. So Unbelievably Much.

So the last couple weeks of my training for the Memphis half marathon hasn't been the greatest. I did not do my last two long runs. Been dealing with foot, Calve, Hip & Back Pain. However, this is the most I have ever trained for a half. In Fact it is the only time I've ever trained for a half. My goal was to do a Sub 2. My goal is now to get through pain free. However, if I do happen to run a Sub 2, I will sign up to run the 2018 Chicago Marathon. Just this once. For Ashley.

I ran the Chicago Marathon in 2007 (My very first run ever). I did not get to complete it though. In 2007, the Chicago Marathon had to call the run because of heat & the fact that a man died. They shut down the course and forced runners to go to The finish. I only got about 19 miles in. If I wouldn't have been the last person to cross the start, I would have been past where they cut everyone off and I would have completed it. I understood why they called it, but I was angry with myself for avoiding the crowd and not starting in my corral. I said I would never train again to run a marathon.

In between Ashley's 3rd & 4th diagnosis, Ash and I were talking about this and she said, "Mom, I really think you should run the Chicago Marathon. You need to finish what you started. I know you don't have anything to prove to anyone, but I know you and you will always wonder if you could have finished. I know you could have & can, but if you don't do it, you will always wonder. Finish what you started Mom, For You."

I will Ashley, but for YOU, not for Me. For You because it always bothered you when people wasted their God Given Abilities, because yours were taken away from you. You would have given anything to have gone to High School all 4 years and onto College, playing Soccer. I will for You, "My Hero." But not Until I run a Sub 2 Half. Will it be Saturday? I guess we will see. "THROUGH ASHLEY, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE."

I Love and Miss You So Much My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. My Baby Girl.😢💔

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ASHLEY FOREVER IN MY HEART.....♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

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This picture is from the last time we ran the Memphis Half. Ashley walked over pushing her wheel chair from the Tri Delta House. She sat there waiting for us to run by. You can't See, but Ash is wearing her St. Jude Sweatshirt & Her St. Jude Hat. Every time we went she bought something new.