Ashley Forever: Ashley Always Had A Smile

Day 222~

Ashley always had a smile. She was sharing her blue sucker with Michael as you can see from his blue face.

I Miss Ashley SO MUCH. The pain is so intense & it never stops. It is always there. My Children Are & Always Have Been My World. I am not whole anymore. There are no words that do justice to describe the pain I endure every second of every day. To want something so badly & know that you cannot have it now, nor will you ever have it again, is, I don’t even know what word to use to describe it. I cannot & will not See, Hear, Hug, Kiss, My Ashley again, for as long as I walk this earth.

Not Whole, Incomplete, Partial, Empty, Shattered, Fractured, whatever word you may choose, is not sufficient to describe how I feel.

Every second of every day I want to have Ashley here with me & I can’t, I CAN’T. I Want to See Her Face, Not in A Picture, But See Her Face & Touch It, Kiss It & I CAN’T. I want to Hug Her, and I Can’t. I want to Hear Her Voice & I CAN’T. I Just Want My Daughter to Be Alive. I Want Her Here with Me. But I CAN’T Have Her Here With Me EVER AGAIN. I CANNOT. And to say IT SUCKS, Doesn’t Seem Adequate. Not Even Close. I Can Say It F****** Sucks, & It Is Still Not Adequate. THERE ARE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE THE FEELINGS YOU EXPERIENCE WHEN YOU LOSS YOUR CHILD. Well, There Are Words, But None of Them Are Truly Adequate.

It Is a Pain That Cannot be Imagined, It Can Not Be Described. It can Only Be Understood, When You Experience It. It Is Not a Normal Human Emotion. There Is NOTHING NORMAL About It.

Every Parent Will Travel a Different Grief Journey, Because Each of Us Is Different & Experience & Deal with Things Differently. I Lost Two Children Before Ashley, & Although I Felt Pain, It Is Nothing Like This. I Did Not Spend 25 ½ Years Loving & Taking Care of Those Children. I Never Even Saw Their Precious Little Faces. Losing an Unborn Child Is Devastating, But It Was Not the Same as Me Losing Ashley. It Is Not. I Cannot Speak for Others. I Can Only Speak for Me.

Nothing Eases the Pain. NOTHING. I Just Keep Longing for What Was. I Had the Most Amazing Daughter in My Life For 25 ½ years After Carrying Her For 9 Months & Now SHE IS FOREVER GONE FROM THIS WORLD & I Am Forced to Live Here Without Her & It Is Not Normal. We Are NOT Built to Endure the Pain of Losing a Child. It Is Not the Normal Process of Life. Our Children Are Supposed to Bury Us. We Are Not Supposed to Bury Them.

I really do not now how I am still ALIVE, because MY HEART IS CRUSHED. IT IS BROKEN. A Piece of My Heart Is MISSING.

All I Ever wanted, since my children came into my life, was for them to be Happy & Healthy & Live Long Lives.

WHY? WHY? Why Did My Ashley Get Cancer? Why Does any Child Get Cancer? WHY? Why Can We Fly to the Moon, But We Can’t Find a Cure For Our Children or Find Out WHY they are getting Cancer? Why Can we create robots that function like Humans, but we can’t find a cure or a cause for Childhood Cancer? How do we have the capability to END MANKIND, But We Don’t Have the capability to SAVE OUR CHILDREN?

POWER, MONEY, isn’t that what it is always about? "THERE IS NO MONEY IN DEVELOPING DRUGS FOR CHILDREN WITH CANCER." So let's just keep giving them drugs developed for Adults.

My Daughter Risked Her Life for Other Children & Paid the Ultimate Price. Not for Money, Not for Power, But for Love. And some day, when we are gone, no one will even know who Ashley Montgomery Is & What She Did. But we remember the actor that had a skill to entertain & we idolize & praise them. But Do We Remember The Danny Thomas's Of the World? We remember the wacko that formed a cult that killed people & we acknowledge his death. We praise & memorialize individuals that claim to have done great things for a nation, but only abused their power to benefit themselves. We remember the individuals we should forget existed & we forget the individuals we should FOREVER REMEMBER. The Forgotten Ones. The True Heroes of Our World. How Messed Up Are We?

I AM FOREVER BROKEN.

I Love & Miss You So Much My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. My Baby Girl.