Day 62
I woke up this morning and as usual, the reality that Ashley
being gone, is not a nightmare, hit me. But this morning was one of my really bad days. The tears started rolling and they wouldn’t stop.
As I do every day, I begged God to please wake me from this nightmare. Please
just give me back my Ashley. The intense pain, that hits me throughout the day,
each day, is almost impossible to truly describe.
I wake up with a pain in my gut that feels like something
inside is twisting my stomach, then I feel like I am going to vomit. Then as
the reality of Ashley being gone is replayed in my head each morning, I want to
scream, but it’s like I can’t and at any second my head will explode from
everything going through my mind. Then I get angry with God and ask him how he
could take her. How he could let My Beautiful, Kind Caring, Selfless Ashley be
taken so young. Why did she have to suffer? Why didn’t she get to have a normal
childhood? Why was so much taken from someone so Beautiful Inside & Out. I
want answers and I don’t get them. I don’t understand why I was not taken
instead of her. I do not understand how God can allow a parent to be left in this world without one of their children.
I just don't understand and I want to. I do not like that I am doubting God's Existence. If God Doesn't exist, then an after life doesn't, then it means I don't get to see my Ashley ever again. So that tears my insides up.
I recently came across something that talked about the Book of Job explaining why we suffer. I have decided that I am going to read it. I need to know. I need to Understand. I need to find that faith and belief that I had my entire life, but has slipped away. Slipped away because I cannot find any reason for My Ashley being taken from this world, from us. I need to know that there really is a God, an afterlife. I need to know that I didn't spend my entire life believing in something that is not true. I need to know that I will see my Ashley again.
I just don't understand and I want to. I do not like that I am doubting God's Existence. If God Doesn't exist, then an after life doesn't, then it means I don't get to see my Ashley ever again. So that tears my insides up.
I recently came across something that talked about the Book of Job explaining why we suffer. I have decided that I am going to read it. I need to know. I need to Understand. I need to find that faith and belief that I had my entire life, but has slipped away. Slipped away because I cannot find any reason for My Ashley being taken from this world, from us. I need to know that there really is a God, an afterlife. I need to know that I didn't spend my entire life believing in something that is not true. I need to know that I will see my Ashley again.
I will try and get through the day by keeping myself busy
with foundation stuff, but that doesn’t help because the foundation is Ashley.
So that makes me cry. Then when I am doing something with Mike and the boys, they
may say something that would make me laugh or smile and my reaction will be to
start to laugh or smile, but then it’s like a switch gets flipped and the laugh
instantly stops and the smile turns into a frown. An overwhelming feeling of
guilt hits, like a panic attack and my mind tells my body that I shouldn’t be laughing or smiling.
How dare I do that. My Ashley is gone. She doesn’t get to laugh or smile again.
She doesn’t get to live the life she wanted to live. Why should I get to? How
can I do that, when she can’t?
I can't listen to the radio, because if I hear a song Ashley liked, the overwhelming pain floods my body and a sense of panic sets in. The same thing happens with anything that reminds me of Ashley, past or present or hearing something from a time when Ashley was with us. It hits me over and over that she is not here. It's like a non stop panic attack and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can't even watch TV shows we watched together. I watch General Hospital (Ashley watched this as well, but it usually wasn't together) But I do catch myself wanting to tell her something about it and then the reality hits and makes me cry. I watch reruns of Friends and Fox News. That is it. I have no desire to watch anything else. I have lost 14 pounds in 2 months. I am not trying to lose weight. I eat as much as I can eat, but lately it has been a pound a day. I am getting out to run a couple times a week. I use to run with friends, now I just want to be alone. I will run with Mike, when he can. I spend 99.9 % of my time at home. I go to the cemetery everyday. I usually only go to the store if Mike is with me, because going to the store sets off panic attacks. But other than that, I don't really go anywhere or do anything.
I Just Miss My Ashley So Much and I Don't Know How To Exist Without Her. I Don't Know If I Will Ever Figure That Out. I am trying, but I just can't grasp the concept of living life without Ashley. I can't because it is not normal for a parent to outlive their children.
I can't listen to the radio, because if I hear a song Ashley liked, the overwhelming pain floods my body and a sense of panic sets in. The same thing happens with anything that reminds me of Ashley, past or present or hearing something from a time when Ashley was with us. It hits me over and over that she is not here. It's like a non stop panic attack and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can't even watch TV shows we watched together. I watch General Hospital (Ashley watched this as well, but it usually wasn't together) But I do catch myself wanting to tell her something about it and then the reality hits and makes me cry. I watch reruns of Friends and Fox News. That is it. I have no desire to watch anything else. I have lost 14 pounds in 2 months. I am not trying to lose weight. I eat as much as I can eat, but lately it has been a pound a day. I am getting out to run a couple times a week. I use to run with friends, now I just want to be alone. I will run with Mike, when he can. I spend 99.9 % of my time at home. I go to the cemetery everyday. I usually only go to the store if Mike is with me, because going to the store sets off panic attacks. But other than that, I don't really go anywhere or do anything.
I Just Miss My Ashley So Much and I Don't Know How To Exist Without Her. I Don't Know If I Will Ever Figure That Out. I am trying, but I just can't grasp the concept of living life without Ashley. I can't because it is not normal for a parent to outlive their children.
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