Can't Find A Reason

Day 66

It has been 66 Days of Torture. 66 Days of Begging God to Give Me Back My Ashley. Each day is harder and harder.  With Each Passing Day It Hurts A Little More. I Want So Badly To See, Hear, Hug, & Kiss My Beautiful Ashley. 

I had about 4 1/2 hours sleep last night. My crying finally exhausted me to the point of falling asleep.

I can't speak for anyone else who has lost a child, but this is not going to get easier, I am not going to get used to this. This is a Forever Pain.  

I am still trying to understand how a God,  that is supposed to Love His Children With All His Heart, Can Sentence One Of His Children to Death (Ashley) and One To A Life Sentence Of Heart Wrenching, Gut Twisting,  Mind Torturing, Pain. (Me). I can't speak for Mike, Michael or Jake, But I Can Guess That They Too may Feel like They Have Been Sentence to a Life of Pain & Heartache. 

Is this a test of our faith? If so, what they hell kind of a loving father, would inflict that kind of pain on his children To Test Them?

I Had faith in God My Entire Life. I put all my trust in him. I preached his word and praised him. Ashley Had faith in and trusted The Lord.  So this is our reward? 

I want to understand.  I want to believe more than ever, more than I ever did before, that God and everything I have believed in my entire life is real, is true. 

As much as it hurt, I accepted my Dad’s, My Mom’s, My Step Dad’s, Father-In-Law’s, Mother-In-Law’s, Grandmother’s Deaths. As much as I Love them & Miss them, I accepted them. I accepted them because that is part of life. Sure My Mom, Dad, Step Mom & Father-In-Law were younger than some when they died and could have been here with us longer, but they lived their lives. They got married, had children, had grandchildren, careers, fun in their life. They followed the natural order of life. The way things should be. I buried my parent’s. I am supposed to bury my parent’s and grandparent’s. There is nothing abnormal about it. But I am not, nor is any other parent, supposed to bury a child, MY DAUGHTER, MY ASHLEY. There is NOTHING NORMAL about that. NOTHING NATURAL about that. Ashley did not get to have the fun in her life that she should have. She did not get to go to College Like she wanted, have a career, get married, have children & Grandchildren and grow old with her husband. All that was taken away from her and I cannot find a reason for that. I Cannot understand, Any Reason, God Could Have, To Take A Kind, Caring, Loving Selfless Soul, Like My Ashley, From Her Family, From Her Life, That She Loved So Much & So Badly Wanted To Live. NO REASON.

The past

I have thought about Ashley's life non-stop. Memories have been so vivid.  I Close my Eyes and I can see myself pregnant. I can almost feel her moving inside of me. See her little hands and feet move across my belly. I can feel the anticipation for her arrival. As I said before, I called her Ashley before she was born. I never found out she was a girl, I just knew. I couldn’t decide on a middle name. Then one day, while at the doctor, I walked past the board with all the baby pictures and names and the one that stood out was Elizabeth. I said, “Ashley Elizabeth, so beautiful.” And so Elizabeth was to be her Middle name and Obviously Montgomery her last.

Ashley was born on Thursday, September 5, 1991 at 5:24am. There was the Most Beautiful Sunrise.  From that moment on, I was forever changed. I was no longer Maureen, I was Ashley Elizabeth Montgomery’s Mom and she was the first of three of the most precious gifts I would ever receive. On that day, the Pillar of Our Family Was Born. She would end up teaching all of us about life. She would raise us. All of Us.

I never knew the meaning of Ashley Elizabeth until after it was given to her. Ashley means from the Ash Tree ~The Ash Symbolizes Sacrifice, Sensitivity and Higher Awareness. Elizabeth Means “Oath of God” Meaning “God’s Promise to Humanity.” Montgomery means, “The Power of Man.” I knew my girl was special even before she was born. Little did I know just how special she would be and how fitting her name would be in defining who she was.