Playing God

71 Days

Had the car wash today. Another event that Ashley is usually at. I really don’t think people realize that everything, EVERYTHING in my life included my daughter.  Ashley was even trying to convince me, that I should go to Nursing school with her. She said, that I had time to take a couple courses I needed before being able to get into the nursing program and that by the time she was feeling better, we could start the program together. She was excited at the thought of us going to school together and then working together.

The unprofessional, inadequate, negative, doctors at Comer, took any chance of that happening away. They took away her dreams, her future. And no, this is not anger, this is not me trying to blame people for things that are not true. If you knew the whole story, you too would agree that certain people were playing God and inadequate care, is why Ashley is not here today. If only you knew. I have to live with this every day and it eats me up inside.

The day before Ashley was airlifted to Chicago, Ash and I were laying in bed and I held her tight and asked her a question that I had never asked before. It is not something you want to talk about and certainly not something you want to ask your child. I asked Ashley if she was afraid to die. She said, “No, but I am not going to die Mom.” I truly believe that Ashley knew she could beat this cancer. But her Comer Doc’s did not want her to keep fighting and they did not want her to get to Seattle. They tried to sabotage that, like they sabotaged Boston. When they couldn’t sabotage Seattle, they played God. They didn’t care what Ashley wanted, they didn’t care that SHE wanted to keep fighting, They couldn’t cure her, so they didn’t want anyone else to, because that would prove them to be failures, so they wanted her to stop fighting. Ash was doing better, then all of a sudden after Dr. Phil left service, Ash got worse.  They next few doctors to come on service were negative, said she wouldn’t make it. They were not fighting for Ash. It was clear that Ashley’s primary was able to control how these doc’s treated Ashkey, but she couldn’t Dr. Phil, he busted his ass to get Ashley better and he did. When I told Ashley that I was scared and she told me not to be that she would be fine, I think she honestly though she would be fine. It wasn’t her telling me that she was going to die and be fine. The next day she said, “All I want is for this chemo to work.” Those are not the words of somebody who knows they are dying.

I failed my Daughter, by not getting her out of that incompetent hospital a lot earlier. I decided to go elsewhere too late.  As we all know, she never got to Seattle.  If I would have taken her out of the hospital back in January, like I talked about, she would have made it to Seattle.  I failed her and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. So their inadequate care took My Beautiful Ashley’s life, but My failing to My Beautiful Ashley, gave them the opportunity to do so. This all plays over and over in my head every day. I apologize to My Sweet Ashley every day.