I Walk In Silence

Day 111

Yesterday I sat at the cemetery reading to Ashley, as I do every day. But I stopped for a moment and I listened, because oddly, for that moment, there was the sound of Silence. Not a Bird. Not a buzzing Bee. Not a voice. Not a car. Not a single, solitary sound. It was an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. That is how I have felt since My Ashley left us. The difference is, I can be in a room full of people and feel completely, utterly, alone.

This quote below is so true. I walk in Silence. Sometimes the sounds around me are muffled, as if my ear drums have been temporarily disrupted by a loud noise.

I walk in Silence & In A Dream Like State. Like everything around, me is happening, but not real.

I wake up every day hoping this has all been a nightmare, only to discover it is not. Only to face the reality, over and over that My Sweet Beautiful Ashley Is Gone. I look at her Beautiful Picture and the reality hits and I say, "OH MY GOD, MY DAUGHTER IS GONE. SHE IS GONE AND I MUST GO THROUGH THE REST OF MY DAYS WITHOUT HER. I Am NEVER Going to See, Hear, Feel, or Hug Her Again. I Will Not See Her Dreams Come True. I Will Not Watch Mike Walk Her Down the Aisle at Her Wedding. I Will Not See Her Carry Her Children. I Will Not See Her Hold Her Baby in Her Arms for The First Time. I Will Not Hold Her Children in MY Arms. I Will Not See Her Be the Most Amazing Mom I Know She Would Have Been. It is like being hit, full force, by a storm more powerful than anything this world has seen. Being pulled out to sea, trying to stay afloat and not let the power of the storm pull you under. But you keep going under, and the water fills your lungs and then something brings you to the surface and you breathe again, but not the way you did before. That something is my Boy's. That is the only reason I resurface from each Storm I face Each day.

I spend so much of my time, trying to look for signs from Ashley, ANYTHING, to let me know She is okay, that She is still here with me. But nothing so far has proven that to me.

I am part of Bereaved Parent pages and they help and hurt at the same time. Not only am I dealing with my own pain, but I feel their pain.

All I want in this World is to have ALL My Children Here with Me. Michael, Jake & ASHLEY. But this world had other plans and those plans took a Happy, Enjoy the Simple Life, Family, and Destroyed it, DEMOLISHED IT. You know how you see pictures of towns after a forceful storm. Just torn to pieces, demolished as if it no longer is ....

That is our life now. We are no longer that family, we have been demolished, like a town from a storm...............