Ashley Forever: I Am Forever Broken

Day 203~ Week 29~

Many are quick to tell me how I should feel. What I Should & Shouldn't do. The one's quickest to tell me these things are those who still have their Daughter's, Their Son's, All Their Children.

We all think that we know how we will react in situations that other people have been put in, like the Greatest Loss of All, "Losing a Child". But the truth is, you don't know, you have no clue how you will react, how you will deal.

Even those who have lost a child, cannot compare their losses, their relationship with their child or how they deal with it. Each of us is different, each of our journeys are different. I am not saying that I love My Ashley more than another Mom who has lost a child loves their child, I am saying each of our journeys are different. No Two are alike. So, each of us is going to deal with, handle & experience our loss different than the other. I cannot control the daily images, flashes of moments of Ashley’s life that I experience every day. I have tried everything; Running, Yoga Exercise, Mediating, Working. Nothing works. I cry through each & every one of those things I do.

No one knows my full life journey. My journey with Ashley from the moment I knew she was in my belly, from before that. No one TRULY knows me and who I am and things I have been through in life and the strength I have had to have throughout my life. No one fully knows My Ashley and how TRULY AMAZING & Special She is. No one knows just how much she went through. You know only what I have shared & I have not shared everything.

Each of us has a breaking point. A point where we can no longer be the hopeful, faithful, positive, strong person we have been forced to be throughout our lives. My Breaking point was Losing One of My CHILDREN, MY ASHLEY.

So, I am sorry, that I am not the happy go lucky Maureen that I have ALWAYS BEEN. The person who found the good in all the bad, the person who put her faith in God. The person who had hope, was positive and made the best of every situation. I AM NO LONGER THAT PERSON.

I am the person who wakes up crying because part of myself is gone, My Child, My Ashley. I am the person that spends every second of every day longing to see, hear, hold, kiss My Ashley. I am the person that breaks into tears when I see a young person getting married on TV or posting pictures of their wedding on Facebook, because immediately my heart realizes I will not see my Ashley experience that. I am the person who breaks down in tears when I see someone Ashley’s age graduating college, getting a job, having their first child, etc. because I will never see My Ashley experience that. I am the person whose heart aches and breaks down in tears when I see a Mother hug her Daughter or experience a memorable moment with their daughter, because I can’t, nor will I ever be able to experience those moments again with My Ashley. Just Imagine, IMAGINE, but realize, IMAGINE is nowhere near what actually living it is like.

I AM BROKEN & I CANNOT BE FIXED. Some broken things cannot be fixed, so please quit trying to fix me. Please do not judge me. You do not know what I go through daily.

Until you have walked my exact journey, do not tell me how to think or feel or try to fix me. Just be there with an ear, be there with a shoulder & give me a hug. I don’t need to be told what My Ashley, My Daughter, would want. I know what Ashley would want, would think. I KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE.

The fact that I get out of bed every day is an accomplishment greater than you even know.

It is easy for those who still have their children to give advice & tell us how to feel, how to act. It is easy, because you are not living it, you can only imagine.

I Love & Miss You So Much My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. My Baby Girl.