Ashley Forever: The World Was Changed Forever

183 Days ~ 6 Months ~

6 Months Ago, Today, On Friday, April 21, 2017, at 3pm, Our Sweet Beautiful Ashley Took Her Last Breath. At That Moment, Our World Was FOREVER Changed. The WORLD Was FOREVER Changed.

On this day, My World Went Dark. I felt the most indescribable intense pain I have ever felt in my life. My life became a dream like state. I guess you can describe it like living in a virtual reality. It’s like I am here with everyone else, but I am not. It’s like I am watching the rest of the world move forward, but I am frozen in time. I can see everything, but I can’t feel, I can’t participate & interact. If I were to reach out to touch, there is nothing there, because I am stuck in My Own World. The world where My Ashley once existed. My head knows that Ashley is gone, but my heart cannot accept the finality. It is my virtual reality that allows me to get out of bed in the morning. Be there for My Boy’s. Go to work. Run the Foundation. It is what allows me to function daily. I have moments all day every day when my heart starts to accept the reality, the finality, and that is when I break down. But then I force myself back into my “Virtual Reality” because if I do not, if my heart fully accepts that My Ashley is Gone, I am not sure I could survive that.

I have spent that last 183 Days, 6 Months, in constant excruciating pain. I cry every morning, every night and multiple times throughout the day. The more time that passes, the more my pain increases. You know that feeling you get, in the pit of your stomach, when you know you are about to hear bad news? The pain that makes you feel like at any moment you will throw up? I walk around with that pain, ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. So, imagine that pain, only with the intensity of a million times worse, every second of every day. That is what I feel. That as well as multiple other emotions, pains.

It will never be OKAY. I will NEVER GET OVER THIS. I will NEVER be who I once was. NEVER. “IT”, is My Daughter, My Ashley & “THIS” was her LIFE. And Who I was, well that person existed because of My Ashley. They say Our Children are a reflection of us. I think that sometimes, we are a reflection of them. We think that we are raising our children, but sometimes, I think that there are some children, who are actually raising us. I am a reflection of my Children. Three amazing Children who have had the kind of life NO CHILD should have. They showed us what it means to be strong. ASHLEY is the one Who Taught us all what it means to be Selfless, Strong, Determined, to have Perseverance. She showed us how to Love Others, More Than Yourself. She defined HERO. I became the person I became because of learning from my children and all of us learned the MOST from Ashley. Each of my Children are a part of me and the Part of me that was Ashley, left this world when she left this world.

None of this makes sense. I do not think it ever will. I CANNOT, NOR WILL I EVER, find a Reason that My Daughter, My Ashley, had to have her life cut short. Why she had to be taken from US, From This World. How does ANY Child or Young Adult, leaving this world, serve a greater purpose? I haven’t suddenly seen a change in our world for the better. I am not seeing this sudden increase in Childhood Cancer Research Funding since Ashley & many other children I knew & loved, not to mention those I did not know, have left this world because of the monster we call cancer. Where is this reason, this greater purpose? Someone please tell me.

I Still keep waiting for someone to wake me up from this nightmare.

I LOVE & MISS YOU SO MUCH BABY GIRL, MY SWEET BEAUTIFUL ASHLEY. :’(