It Still Does Not Seem Real

Day 114

The Pain & Tears Are Endless.

The Loneliness Is Palpable.

I Cannot Seem To Find A Way To Exist In A World Without You. ...

It Still Does Not Seem Real, Yet At The Same Time The Reality Hits Me Over & Over Like A Rush Of Forceful Waves. This Pain Will Never Leave, My Longing For You Will Never End. My Sweet Girl, You Were A Part Of Me, As Are Your Brother's Too, So When You Left This World, That Part Of Me Left With You.

There Is No adjusting, No Moving On, No Living A New Normal. When You Loss A Child, A Big Portion Of Your Heart Dies. There Is No Moving On From That.

I Love and Miss You So Much My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. My Life Is Forever Changed And My Heart Forever Broken.

I WILL NEVER Stop Missing You

113 Days

Miss You So Much My Sweet Beautiful Ashley.

My Heart Hurts Every Second of Every Day. I Will NEVER Stop Missing You. I Miss You More Each Day.

...

I Love You My Beautiful Baby Girl.

BEING GOOFY

Be The Good

Day 112~Week 16

We take so much for granted in our lives. We think that there is always tomorrow. We complain about things that we shouldn’t. We don’t say I love you enough. We don’t act like kids enough. We don’t act like adults, when we should. We don’t appreciate everything we have. We want what we don’t have and spent a great deal of time on wanting and trying to get it.

The Simple Things in Life. The things that don’t cost money. LOVE & TIME. The Two Most Important, Most... Valuable things that a Human Being Has. Two things that cost absolutely NOTHING, but the two things we all take for granted.

Ashley taught us the value of those two things. She defined Love & Cherished Every Moment That She Had. Spending Time With The People That She Loved Meant Everything To Ashley. If Only We Could All Live Our Lives The Way She Did. She showed us that no matter what life threw her way, no matter what was taken from her, that we should be grateful for what we have, because (In Her Words) “It Could Be Worse & For Someone Else, It Is”. She Never dwelled on the fact that her cancer could take her life at any moment. When asked, “How do you live your life knowing tomorrow your cancer could take your life.” She replied, “My Life Is No Different Than Yours. You Could Walk Out The Door Tomorrow and Get Hit By A Car. The difference is, I Appreciate My Life More Than Most People.”

What I would give for more TIME With My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. Time To Show Her Just How Much I Love & Cherish Her. To Make Her See, Just How Special She Is. How Beautiful, Inside & Out.

Quit taking the people you have in your life for granted. Quit Wasting TIME wanting what you don’t have & Complaining about not having it. Make the best with what you have, JUST LIKE ASHLEY DID. Spend Time With The People That You Love & Cherish Every Moment.

If There Was Ever A More Perfect Way To Honor Ashley’s Memory, That Is It.

Not sure if you had a chance to see our team shirts for Chicago to Peoria, but on the back, is a quote from Ashley. She was asked if her life is more negative because of having cancer. This was her reply:

“Maybe Some People Are, Not Me. I Can’t Imagine My Life Without Cancer. Everybody Gets To See All The Bad In The World. Because Of Having Cancer, I Was Able To See A Lot Good And Meet A Lot Of Good People. Yeah, I Got A Glimpse Of The Good.”

My Daughter Is Truly A Unique & Unbelievably Wise Young Woman. What She Didn’t Realize, Is That She Defines “THE GOOD”. There Has Never Been & Will Never Be Another, Ashley Elizabeth Montgomery.

Our Team Captain came up with the saying on the front & I Absolutely Love it; BE THE GOOD.

So that is another way to Honor Ashley’s Memory, Be A Little Piece Of What She Is.

BE THE GOOD

I Love & Miss You So Much My Sweet Beautiful Ashley, My Baby Girl.

I Walk In Silence

Day 111

Yesterday I sat at the cemetery reading to Ashley, as I do every day. But I stopped for a moment and I listened, because oddly, for that moment, there was the sound of Silence. Not a Bird. Not a buzzing Bee. Not a voice. Not a car. Not a single, solitary sound. It was an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. That is how I have felt since My Ashley left us. The difference is, I can be in a room full of people and feel completely, utterly, alone.

This quote below is so true. I walk in Silence. Sometimes the sounds around me are muffled, as if my ear drums have been temporarily disrupted by a loud noise.

I walk in Silence & In A Dream Like State. Like everything around, me is happening, but not real.

I wake up every day hoping this has all been a nightmare, only to discover it is not. Only to face the reality, over and over that My Sweet Beautiful Ashley Is Gone. I look at her Beautiful Picture and the reality hits and I say, "OH MY GOD, MY DAUGHTER IS GONE. SHE IS GONE AND I MUST GO THROUGH THE REST OF MY DAYS WITHOUT HER. I Am NEVER Going to See, Hear, Feel, or Hug Her Again. I Will Not See Her Dreams Come True. I Will Not Watch Mike Walk Her Down the Aisle at Her Wedding. I Will Not See Her Carry Her Children. I Will Not See Her Hold Her Baby in Her Arms for The First Time. I Will Not Hold Her Children in MY Arms. I Will Not See Her Be the Most Amazing Mom I Know She Would Have Been. It is like being hit, full force, by a storm more powerful than anything this world has seen. Being pulled out to sea, trying to stay afloat and not let the power of the storm pull you under. But you keep going under, and the water fills your lungs and then something brings you to the surface and you breathe again, but not the way you did before. That something is my Boy's. That is the only reason I resurface from each Storm I face Each day.

I spend so much of my time, trying to look for signs from Ashley, ANYTHING, to let me know She is okay, that She is still here with me. But nothing so far has proven that to me.

I am part of Bereaved Parent pages and they help and hurt at the same time. Not only am I dealing with my own pain, but I feel their pain.

All I want in this World is to have ALL My Children Here with Me. Michael, Jake & ASHLEY. But this world had other plans and those plans took a Happy, Enjoy the Simple Life, Family, and Destroyed it, DEMOLISHED IT. You know how you see pictures of towns after a forceful storm. Just torn to pieces, demolished as if it no longer is ....

That is our life now. We are no longer that family, we have been demolished, like a town from a storm...............

My Treasures

Day 110

Ashley, You Will Always Be My Treasure. Michael, (Mike) & Jake. You Are My Treasure As Well

I Love & Miss You So Very Much My Sweet Beautiful Ashley, My Baby Girl. I Will NEVER Understand How Someone As Precious, Selfless, Beautiful Inside and Out, Extraordinary, One Of A Kind, True Hero, Can Be Taken Away From Us, From A World That Became Better Because Of YOU.

They Are My World

Day 109

They Are My World, My Everything. Part Of My World Was Taken Away From Me. :'( Forever Changed, Forever 💔 Broken.

Nothing Takes The Pain Away. I Miss You More Each Day, My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. I Love You Baby Girl.

The Pain Keeps Increasing

Day 108

The pain keeps increasing. The Yearning, The Need, To Have My Ashley Here With Me Is So Intense.

As I said before, "I Die A Little Bit More Each Day. A Slow Painful Death. I am The Living Dead, The Walking Dead."

...

This is the best descriptions I can put in words To try and help you understand just a little bit, what life without My Sweet Beautiful Ashley is like.

I Miss & Love You So Much Baby Girl.