I Just Don't Understand

I am sitting at the Cemetery Visiting My Ashley for the 2nd time today. Didn't get to stay as long as I wanted to early so I decided to come back. I decided to look at the final proofs that came through for the walk shirt.

Another great job by Matt.

So I open it up and I'm looking at the back. Under In Memory of, I See:

Ashley Elizabeth Montgomery

One of those daily moments where I feel like I was hit by a ton of bricks.

Her name is not supposed to be there. The last walk we had, 2 years ago, her name was under in honor of. And now it sits there, where it's not supposed to be. She's supposed to be here with me. She Is Supposed To Be Here With Me.

I Just Don't Understand.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2oFtZO2125yQjAwNHVDTFY4OVJISUc0dDNsR3V3NmR1QWNR/view?usp=drivesdk

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2oFtZO2125ySWhfTkRfZlBselY4VDh2eG1vX094bENvcmZ3/view?usp=drivesdk

Can't Find A Reason

Day 130~

I Miss You So Much My Missy Moo, My SWEET, BEAUTIFUL ASHLEY.

People tell me to keep busy, but it doesn't matter how busy I am, You are ALWAYS On My Mind, Always In My Heart and No Distraction Could Ever Take The Pain Of Losing You Away. My Love For You Is Way Too Deep For That To Ever Happen. You My Darling, Are More Special Than You Could Ever Have Imagined. You Are So Much More Than This World Even Knows.

YOU ARE UNFORGETTABLE & YOUR LOSS IS NOT SOMETHING I AM CAPABLE OF GETTING OVER.

The post at the end of this post is from 2014 .

Friday is September 1st and the start of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Please help us raise awareness by turning your Facebook Gold.

For 8 years My family and I and many friends, Including MY SWEET BEAUTIFUL ASHLEY, have busted our butts to raise awareness, support research and help families.

But no matter how hard we worked, no matter how much we put our love & heart into this, no matter how hard We tried to help find a cure, We couldn't Save Our Ashley.

My One of a Kind, Kind, Caring, Selfless, Hero Daughter, My Ashley, Was willing to do whatever it took to help ensure no other child had to go through what she did. And she did do whatever it took, including risking her own life. That risk, Turned Into Her Sacrifice.

Please Don't Let My Baby Girl Have Died In Vain. Please Help Us Continue Her Legacy.

September is also the Month of Ashley's Birth~September 5th

Things for everyone to do this September.

1. It doesn't Matter where you live everyone can do this: Turn your Facebook Gold.

2. Get signed up for one of the AshleyCan ASHLEY FOREVER Events on September 10th.

We have something for everyone: Half Marathon, Half Marathon Relay, 10K, 5K, 1 Mile. You can walk the 5K if you want.

http://www.active.com/…/ashleycan-half-marathon-2-person-ha…

3. Everybody come participate in our ASHLEY FOREVER Walk to Remember and Honor on September 16th. This is to Remember Our Children Who Have Earned Their Angel Wings, and Honor Our Children Who Are Currently Fighting & Those Who Have Fought.

If you want a shirt you must register for this event by Thursday August 31st. You can also just purchase a shirt by going to ashleycan.org.

https://www.raceentry.com/…/ashleycan-ashley-forever-walk-t…

4. Make a donation to the foundation.

AshleyCan
PO Box 6
Bourbonnais IL 60914.

You can make it on line as well but do note that the company we run it through charges us a fee. ashleycan.org

PLEASE, Be Part of raising awareness for our children fighting this monster. When we raise awareness we increase people's knowledge, Thus we increase funding, Which increases the ability of hospitals, like St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, to continue their research of finding the best possible cures for our babies. Cures that don't cause secondary cancer.

In 2014 it was estimated that 15,780 Children in the United States Alone, were diagnosed with cancer. 43 Children A DAY. 20% of those children diagnosed each day will earn their angel wings. 8 children. Now multiply that by 365. Each year of the 15780 children diagnosed, 2,920 of them will not make it. (3 years have passed since that last statistic was calculated. I can promise those numbers have increased)

ONE CHILD is too many.

We live in a world were we have the capability and the funding to do so many amazing things. We can put men on the moon. We can build bombs capable of destroying all of Mankind. Don't even get me started on the capability of our technology. We have the knowledge and the money to do all this, Yet we struggle to find funding for our Children, OUR CHILDREN. We fail to find them a cure. Why? Because cancer is a business and their is no money to be made in finding a cure for Childhood Cancer. That is one of the many reasons to support a hospital like St Jude Children's Research Hospital, who is truly dedicated to finding a cure.

This September, Are You Going To "GO BOLD FOR THE GOLD"?

Facebook Post from August 29, 2014

No matter how hard I try, I just can't wrap my head around it. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason: crossing someone's path, being delayed in traffic, losing a job, getting or not getting a job. But no matter how hard I try to tell myself everything happens for a reason I just can't find a reason or comprehend why a child must earn their Angel Wings. It is not supposed to be that way. We are not supposed to outlive our children. My heart breaks for so many. Monday starts Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Turn your Facebook Gold for September and help us Raise Awareness and help us find a cure for our children by making a donation to the AshleyCan Pediatric Cancer Foundation in September. PO Box 6 Bourbonnais, IL 60914 and please join us September 13th on Childhood Cancer Awareness Day in Bourbonnais for our Walk to Remember and honor. Go to AshleyCan.org for more information

Just Hits Me Like A Ton Of Bricks

It Just Hits Me Like A Ton of Bricks. Like a Knife in the Heart. Multiple Times Throughout the Day. It Repeats Over and Over In My Head. "My Ashley Is Gone. She is Gone. She Use To Exist & Now She Doesn't Exist." The Tears Start Flooding My Eyes & Then Pour Down My Cheeks. I Can't Control My Emotions, So As I Cry & Feel This Intense Pain, Feel The Emptiness, The Loneliness, All I Can Say Is, "I Want My Ashley Back, I Can't Believe My Ashley Is Gone. She Use To Exist & Now S...he Doesn't. How Can That Be, How Can That Be. How Can She Not Exist Anymore? I Just Want My Baby Girl Back. Please God, Just Give Her Back."

Yep, that is my life. Never Ending Pain & Begging For God To Give Me Back My Ashley. Begging For Something I Know I Can't Have, But Want So Desperately. Yet I Still Beg, Hoping That Just Maybe, Maybe Our " All Loving Creator", Will Perform A Miracle & Give Her Back.

I Just Cannot Wrap My Head Around the Fact That My Ashley Is Gone & I Am Never Going To See Her Again.

Just Try To Imagine That. Imagine Never, Ever, Being Able To See Your Child Again. Imagine Them Being Gone Forever. Hard To Even Imagine It.

We Are Not Supposed To Bury Our Children, We Are NOT. But When We Have To Bury Our Child, We May Still Be Here, But We Really Don't Exist Anymore Either. The Only Thing Left of Us Is A Vessel of Nothing But Pain & Suffering. The Person We Once Were Doesn't Exist Anymore & The World We Once Lived in, Doesn't Either.

This Is My Life. This Is My Hell. This Is My Reward For Trying To Be Good & Do Good. And We All Know What Ashley's Reward Was For Doing So Much For Other's. For Risking Her Life For Other's.

A Way To See Through My Eyes & Feel Through My Heart

Day 129~

I wish there was a way for others to see exactly what I go through every day. A way to see through my eyes and feel through my heart. If this were possible, then maybe, just maybe, Childhood Cancer wouldn't be under funded. Then maybe, just maybe, a cure could be found. Then maybe, just maybe, no other Mother, No other Father, no other Brother, would have to go through what we do.

I Love and Miss You So Much My Missy Moo, My Sweet Beautiful Ashley.

...

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so I can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength
To carry on, carry on....

ASHLEY FOREVER, IN OUR HEARTS.........

Day 128~

These Moments, Not The Cancer/Pain/Hospital Moments, But The Fun, Spend Time Together, With My Daughter, My Best Friend, My Sweet, Precious, Beautiful Ashley Moments, Are Gone Forever. FOREVER

Think about your Child moving out on their own. Going off to College. Moving out of state. That pain you feel, because you won't see them every day. The pain and heartache of Missing them. The Yearning to see them, hug them, hear them, again.

...

You Feel that pain, that emptiness, that yearning?

That Is My Pain Times Infinity. The Difference Is, I Can't Pick Up The Phone & Call Ashley Or Facetime Her. I Don't Get To Go Visit Her At School, At Her New Home. She Doesn't Get To Come Home To Visit Me. I Don't Get To See Her Ever Again & I Have To Live With That From This Moment Till However Many Years I Have Left On This Earth. Potentially 40+ Years.

My Time With My Daughter Consist Of Looking At Her Picture & Talking & Reading To Her At The Cemetery.

That's My Life Now. That's My World. 40+ Years. I Have Barely Survived 128 Days.

Facebook Memory from August 27th 2016

Ash and I miss being at home with our Guy's and our Girl Izzy! Ashley's Platelets were down to 20,000 by 6am. Ugh She needed both Platelets and Blood Today. He...r potassium and calcium were a tad low, but they replaced them. They came in Today to fit her for her Life Vest Defibrillator. Jake and Aunt Julie stayed with Ashley this afternoon so I could go home and get some things done. I worry the whole time I am gone. I don't worry because I don't trust her awesome Nurse's, I worry that something like last Friday will happen and I won't be there for her.

Last night Ashley and I had a Popcorn/Reese's Pieces/Grey's Anatomy Slumber Party. Queen Ashley Elizabeth thinks I need to get the lead out of my butt when making the popcorn. She said if I would have been quicker getting back from the family kitchen, that the popcorn would have been warm enough to melt the Reese Pieces. Mike has to miss most of our slumber party's, as he has to go home most of the nights to be with Jake. But he was able to stay for a couple nights of White Sox Slumber Party's this week. Our room is the fun room! And the room that has the Homemade Pound Cake!

Please continue to pray! Stay Strong, Think Positive and Keep the Faith!

#IAmTheStorm #HurricaneAshley #AshleyCan #AshleyStrong #PrayingForAshley #God #GodIsGood

Never Leave Without Saying I Love You

I Love That My Sons & My Ashley Was The Same Way, Are NOT Afraid To Hug Me, Kiss Me & Tell Me That They Love Me, In Front Of Their Friends.

When the Cross Country Meet was over, Jake decided to go home on the bus with his team. He walked over to me, Gave me a hug & kiss and said I Love You.

Someone one once said to me, that they think it's awesome how we always hug & kiss & say love you, see you, whenever we're leaving each other. We say it on the phone every time we hang ...up. We say it before bed. It's funny, even if we are upset with each other, it may be a different tone, But we still say, "Love you see you"

I Love that about my family. We never leave each other without saying love you see you.

You should ALWAYS let the people you love, know that you love them.

Your Story Is Far From Finished....

Day 127~

Your Story Was Far From Finished. You had So Much More To Do. So Much More To Teach This World.

Your Story Will Continue My Sweet, Precious, Beautiful Ashley. My Missy Moo. That I Promise You.

Life Is Not, Nor Will It Ever Be The Same Without You.

Love You & Miss You ASHLEY, FOREVER......