Friday, August 25, 2017

You Made A Difference

126 Days~18 Weeks

Ashley Montgomery You Made A Difference In The Lives Of So Many Children. You Were and Are Important In The Lives Of Not Just Children, But So Many Others. You Are So Very Important In My Life. One Of The 3 Most Important People.

I Love and Miss You So Much My Missy Moo. My Sweet Beautiful Ashley.

"One hundred years from now it will not matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in, how much I had in my bank nor what my clothes looked lik...e. One hundred years from now it will not matter what kind of school I attended, what kind of typewriter I used, how large or small my church was, But the world may be...a little better because...I was important in the life of a child." ~Forest Whitcraft

26 Years

Day 125~

For the first time in 26 Years, I forgot My Anniversary. But Mike didn't forget. Him & Michael got me these Beautiful Charms for my Pandora Bracelet. On the back of both the Daughter & Mother, it say's, "You Are Always In My ". The Daughter charm should actually be going on Ashley's Pandora Bracelet, but that cannot happen. It will be with me. She already has the other half of the "Daughter, Mother" Charm She bought for me for our last Mother's Day Together. It is ...on her Bracelet and with her.

Unfortunately, I can't find much to be happy about these days. Even the day I got married is a reminder of my Ashley. She was there when we got married. Yes, oh my, I was pregnant with Ashley when I got married. In fact, she was born 12 day's later. Oh shame, shame. Honestly, I don't feel an ounce of shame. This world blessed me with the 3 Most Wonderful, Most Beautiful Children.


I remember when my wise Young Ashley realized that our anniversary was just 12 short days before Her Birthday and the however many years we were married, was the age She was turning that year. I think she was in about 3rd grade. When she figured it out, her eyes got big and she blurted out, "I'm a bastard", Then she covered her mouth when she realized what she said and then laughed. I reassured her that she was not. That we were married before she was born. She said, "I know I am not." and she Smiled That Beautiful, Radiant Smile, She Always Smiled. Oh That Smile. It Could Warm Even The Coldest of Hearts.






Nightmare

Day 124~

Every Day I Wake Up & Pray That All of This Has Been A Nightmare. I Pray I Will Wake & Go To Ashley's Room & See Her Laying There Still Sleeping So Sound. That She Will Awake & Say Good Morning To Me & I Will See Her Beautiful Smile That Will Brighten The Start To My Day.
But Every Day I Awake & The Truth I Face Once More, That My Beautiful Ashley Is Gone & Her Face I Will See No More, Her Voice I WIll Never Hear, Her Smile I Will Never See. I Will Never Feel Another... Hug, I Will Never See Her Future Become What All Her Hopes & Dreams Wished For.

So I Live Each Day In Pain, Feeling Empty & Alone. I Try So Hard To Live For My Boy's Whom I Love So Much. But A Piece Of Me Has Left With My Precious Ashley. A Piece I Can Never Get Back. So My Boy's Didn't Just Lose A Sister, They Didn't Just Lose Their Best Friend, They Lost The Mom That They Once Knew, Because That Person Died Too When Their Sister Left This World.

There Is No New Normal, No Way To Just Forget. There is Just An Empty Space That Our Ashley Filled With So Much Love, Kindness, Caring & Her Beautiful Face. Memories Do Not Heal Your Heart, They Do Not Fill A Void. No One Can Ever Fill The Space of Her Love That Shined So Bright, That She Filled The World With Light. The Love We Felt For Ashley Can Never, Ever Be Replaced. It Will Always Just Remain A Dark & Empty Space.

I Love & Miss You Every Second Of Ever Day, My Sweet, Precious, Beautiful Ashley.







One of these days becomes none of these days

I Wrote & Shared This 2 Years Ago Today.

"One of These Days Becomes None Of These Days"

Don't put off the important things for the unimportant. How many times have we told Our Children, "Not today, I have to clean the house, I have to mow the lawn, I have to do this or that." I promise, We will go to the museum one of these days."

Then all the one of these days come and go and you never keep that promise. You never keep it because we put unimportant things before the most important things in our lives. "OUR CHILDREN". I... am not saying you should never clean the house or mow the lawn, but sometimes, we just need to put those things off till tomorrow. Live in the moment. Spend that time with your children, that may seem like no big deal at the time, but will become something not only your children will cherish but we will. Go To The Damn Museum.

WE NEVER KNOW WHAT TOMORROW HOLDS.

Ashley was so wise, wise beyond her years. She had every reason to be angry with the world, to be negative and she wasn't. SHE WASN'T.

When asked this question:

"How do you live your life knowing that tomorrow your cancer could take your life."
Her response:

"My life is no different than yours. None of us are promised tomorrow. You can walk out the door tomorrow and get hit by a car. The difference is, I appreciate my life more than most."

Ashley did appreciate her life more than most. She didn't live life by, "one of these days" she "Seized The Moment." She spent her time doing what she loved most, Spending Time With The People She Loves. It didn't matter what you were doing. It could be simply sitting around talking. That is what made her happy. The Simple Things. Being with the people she loves.

If you knew Ashley the way I knew Ashley. The way her Father & Brother's, Her Aunt's & Uncles, Her Cousins, then you would know what we lost. You would know the extent of our heartache.
I knew her better than anyone. I was closer to her than anyone. So I Lost The Most. My Heart Hurts the Most. My Life is the Loneliest. The Emptiest. I Feel More Pain than Anyone who has lost Ashley Could Ever Feel. We were SOULMATES, SOUL SISTERS.

So I am not going to wake up one day & be fine. I will never be fine. But for heaven sakes it has only been 125 days since My Everything, My Daughter, My Ashley, was taken away from me. So I am far from finding a way to get through every day with out excruciating pain. But for those of you who fear that I will do something horrible, don't worry. I could not inflict that pain on My Boy's.
You can help me by Honoring My Ashley. By living your life the way she did. By Helping Us In This Fight That She Sacrificed Her Life For. Be Like Ashley. "BE THE GOOD".

Ashley Was Everything We Wish We Could Be.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

My Gifts

Day 123~

Ashley was one of the Most Beautiful Gifts This World Gave Me. It Gave Me Two More, Michael & Jake. However, Just as A Daughter & A Son Are The Most Beautiful, Most Precious, Most Valuable Gifts This World Can Give You. They Are Also The Gifts, That The Cruelest Thing This World Can Do To You, Is To Take Them Away From You.

It is worse than any physical pain that could be felt. In fact, the pain is not just the most heart wrenching, the most unbearable emotional pain... you will ever feel, it is physical as well. Every part of your body physically hurts.

I know that many have faded away. That many are tired of seeing my posts about my pain of living without My Daughter. Well I am Tired of it too, I AM TIRED OF LIVING WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER.

I hope you never have to feel the excruciating pain of living without one of your children. I pray that never happens to any of you. But only then would you truly understand.

I share my pain, my emotions for two reasons. I will share those reasons, but not now. I am too physically drained to type anymore.

I Miss & Love You So Much Baby Girl. My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. I Miss What Once Was. I Miss Our Happy, Simple Life. Our Crazy, Goofy, Enjoy Life, FAMILY. We Are Now & Forever, A Broken Home.




Monday, August 21, 2017

4 Months

Day 122~ 4 Months~

As Everyone Waits For Their World To Go Dark For A Couple Minutes, I Beg God To Make Mine Bright Again, By Giving My Ashley Back To ME. My Total Eclipse Happened 4 Months Ago and I Haven't Seen The Light Since.

I Love & Miss You SO, SO Very Much My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. You Didn't Deserve The Pain & Suffering This Life Gave You. You Are The Kindest, Most Caring, Most Selfless Person I Have Ever Known. You Gave & Gave To This World & All It Did Was Take F...rom You.
You Deserved So Much Better.

I Love You ASHLEY, FOREVER.......










Enternal HELL

Day 121~

I have survived another day, if you call it surviving.

Each day is not getting easier. I am not learning to live with my pain. I am not learning to live in a world WITHOUT My ASHLEY. I do not know how someone can learn to live without their Daughter, Their Son, Their CHILD. I Will NEVER be able to function like a normal human being again. Not Without My Daughter Here. It is just not going to happen.

So, you saw me smile in a picture. It made you happy to see me smile. But what you don’t know, is that it took a Long Island Ice Tea to help me smile that phony smile. So, Unless you want me to become an Alcoholic, my smiles will be rare. Sometimes I can muster up a phony smile. I fight the pull my lips make to move downward. They shake ever so lightly in the opposite direction as I am pulling them upward to form a smile. But it is not real, not genuine. That is something I have learned to do, Put on a phony smile, laugh a phony laugh. I have gotten good at that.

Last night we went out with some friends a “See You Later” to a friend who is moving away. When we got to where we were meeting them, I was doing everything I could to hold the tears back. But they were coming and I couldn’t stop them, so I went to the bathroom to let them flow and to wipe the tears from my eyes. I didn’t want to ruin the evening.

The restaurant we were at, was the one we went to the last time we were out with family & Friends with Ashley. It was hard being there. After grabbing some tissue, I turned to walk out of the stall and I could see Ashley standing there washing her hands and talking to me. I don’t mean really see her, I mean like a vivid memory. That happens a lot, these vivid memories. It happens almost everywhere I go, with everything I do. That is because Ashley Was almost always with me. So, you are thinking, that is great, a memory of Ashley. But it is not great because it is a memory. I don’t want memories of my daughter. I WANT MY DAUGHTER, HERE, WITH ME.

So, I had to compose myself and stop the tears. I had to put myself in pretend mode. Pretend mode is where I convince myself that I am out with friends and Ashley is at home. Home with Jake, watching TV, Playing a Game. Just home. I do that a lot to try to get through a moment without completely losing my mind. I did it last night so that I didn’t ruin the evening for our Amazing Friend. But then that time ends and it is back to reality. Back to the fact that Ashley is not really at home waiting for me to come home. Back to the reality that MY ASHLEY IS GONE & All I WANT IS HER BACK HERE WITH ME.

Everyone wants me to find a way to move forward without My Ashley. Talk to someone. Talk to people who have gone through what I have gone through. People who understand. UNDERSTAND? Who the Hell Can UNDERSTAND, what I, Me, the person actually going through it, doesn't even understand. I don’t understand because this is not normal. We are not supposed to bury our CHILDREN. So if I don’t understand and I am living it, how the hell is someone else, who hasn’t walked my exact path, going to understand what I am going through?

Just because someone else lost their child, doesn’t mean they are going through the exact same emotions as me. We are all different. We all handle things differently. Feel things differently. Not even parents who have lost a child to cancer can fully understand my pain, as I can’t theirs. Everyone’s journey is different.

I am part of multiple bereaved parents Facebook pages. I thought it might help, but I think it makes it worse. Worse because now I am not only feeling my pain, but I am feeling their pain. I have always been one to feel other peoples pain very deeply. So those pages are increasing my pain to not only mine, but the pain of others.

People keep telling me I will learn to live without My Beautiful Ashley. That I will learn to function. Well if you call being in constant unbearable pain, LIVING, FUNCTIONING, well then I guess I am. But I have not, nor will I ever learn to LIVE WITHOUT MY ASHLEY. This is not living. It is Hell. It is Torture. It is, as I have said before, “THE LIVING DEAD”, “WALKING DEAD”. Whatever you want to call it. But it is not LIVING. It is a cruel form of punishment.

I want to know what Ashley did to deserve this? That is the big question, the most important question. Then I want to know what I did, to deserve being forced to live in a world without My Ashley. What did my Sweet, Kind, Generous, Selfless, Hero of a Daughter, do to deserve to have her life cut short. A life she so badly wanted to live. She never asked for anything in return. But all she wanted from this life was the chance to live. I am not perfect, but I have done my best to live this life as a kind, caring human being. I have spent a great deal of my life volunteering for many different things. All of us have spent the last 8 years running the foundation, volunteering with the help of family and friends. Wanting nothing in return. But you think at the very least, we would have been able to keep our Ashley here with us. No, instead, Ashley’s good will was punished with death and our good will, Mine, Mike’s, Michael’s, Jake’s, was punished by having to live in a world WITHOUT OUR ASHLEY. So Much for, “It is in giving that we receive.”

We can live without an arm, a leg. Without vision or hearing. We can even live without part of our lungs, with one kidney, etc.. But one very important thing we cannot live without, is our heart. Or even without part of our heart. Part of my heart died with Ashley. A BIG PART. So I cannot live WITHOUT PART OF MY HEART. So for those who say I will learn to live in this world without my Ashley, Will I? Will I truly be living? Is this called living? My Daughter, My Everything, She Is Gone. I yearn for her every single second of every day. That yearning never goes away. It is a pain that doesn’t stop. I want My Ashley Back. That is the only way to stop the pain. To Stop the yearning. To be ALIVE again. So since that can’t happen, I will suffer with excruciating, unbearable pain. I will spend my days crying and yearning for My Ashley. I Will Do All This Till The Day I Die.

So, to say I will learn to live with it is not true. Maybe some people, “Learn to LIVE with it.” But me, I don’t call that living. I CALL IT AN ETERNAL HELL




My Ashley Is So Beuatiful

Day 120~

My Ashley Is So Beautiful. I Miss My Girl So Much. Feel So Empty & Alone Without My Daughter, My Best Friend. I Still Can't Believe She is Gone. Everything Is a Constant Reminder That The Part of My Life That My Ashley Filled, Is Now Empty, Lonely, Excruciatingly Painful Space. That Is a Big Part of My Life, Since We Were Together Almost 24/7.

I Do Not Know How To Live In a World Without My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. I Will NEVER Understand Why My Ashley Had To Endur...e So Much Pain and Suffering and Why She Had To Be Taken Away From Us. NEVER. What Makes All of This Increasingly More Painful, Is The Fact That She Wanted To Live So Badly. One Of The Last Things She Said Was, "I Just Want The Chemo To Work."

This Eats Me Up Inside Every Second Of Every Day.

I Have My Two Beautiful Boy's. There Is Only One Thing Left That I Want, That I Need, To Make Me Whole. My Sweet Beautiful Ashley.

I Keep Thinking That This Must Be a Nightmare. But Then, Nobody Ever Wakes Me Up.
To All You Mom's Out There Who Are Blessed To Still Have A Sweet Beautiful Daughter, Or Daughter's and Son or Son's, Do Not Take That For Granted. Spend Every Single Second That You Can With Them and Tell Them That You Love Them and Are Proud of Them and Tell Them Often.

"Dying a Little More Each Day."


Continuing Your Legacy

Day 119~17 Weeks

Continuing Your Legacy Today Baby Girl. I Will Spend The Rest Of My Days Fighting For What You Died For & Making Sure The World Knows You Are A Genuine Hero.

I LOVE & MISS YOU SO MUCH MY SWEET BEAUTIFUL ASHLEY. MY HEART WILL ALWAYS FEEL THAT EMPTINESS, THAT VOID, WITHOUT YOU HERE.

SENDING HUGS AND KISSES TO YOU IN HEAVEN.
PS~I am drinking water Ashley.





Thursday, August 17, 2017

A Legend, A Hero,...


Day 118



Yesterday I started a New Book by a friend’s recommendations. It is called “The Shack”. I read every day at the cemetery for an hour or more while visiting with My Sweet Beautiful Ashley.

This is part of Chapter 2. I am sharing this because while reading I had to stop because tears filled my eyes. I Looked at Mike and said, “This is exactly what Ashley Did. She Gave Her Life In Hopes Of Finding A Cure For Other Children.”
Then when I got to the part about doing something to Remember What the Princess Did, My Eyes Filled with Tears as well. Why? Because one of my fears is that no one will remember what Ashley did. Hell, not many people other than those who have followed Ashley’s care and regularly participate in our events, even knows Ashley, let alone what she did. Not Many Know She is a Hero.
People should know. They should know what it means to be a True Hero.  A Legend. Not the Heroes That the word gets over used on, like athletes and actors. People who use a talent to make money are not heroes. ASHLEY is a Legend that a lesson should be learned from. As Father said, “She Lived a Life Quite Like Jesus.”  I want the WORLD to Know & Remember Ashley and What She Did. How She Risked Her Life & Ultimately Sacrificed Her Life In the End, Because of that risk. I want everyone to Know & Remember. I Want Her Sacrifice To Be Remembered. Ashley is owed that at the VERY LEAST….




Here is the part of Chapter 2:

The foursome stopped at Multnomah Falls to buy a coloring book and crayons for Missy and two inexpensive, waterproof disposable cameras for Kate and Josh. They then decided to climb the short distance up the trail to the bridge facing the falls. There had once been a path that led around the main pool and into a shallow cave behind the tumbling water, but, unfortunately, it had been blocked off by the park authorities because of erosion. Missy loved it here, and she begged her daddy to tell the legend of the beautiful Indian maid, the daughter of a chief of the Multnomah tribe.

It took some coaxing, but Mack finally relented and retold the story as they all stared up into the mists shrouding the falling cascade. The tale centered on a princess, the only child left to her aging father. The chief loved his daughter dearly and carefully picked out a husband for her, a young warrior chief of the Clatsop tribe, whom he knew she loved. The two tribes came together to celebrate the days of the wedding feast, but before it could begin, a terrible sickness began to spread among the men, killing many.

The elders and the chiefs met to discuss what they could do about the wasting disease that was quickly decimating their warriors. The oldest medicine man among them spoke of how his own father, when aged and near death, had foretold of a terrible sickness that would kill their men, an illness that could be stopped only if a pure and innocent daughter of a chief would willingly give up her life for her people. In order to fulfill the prophecy, she must voluntarily climb to a cliff above the Big River and from there jump to her death onto the rocks below.

A dozen young women, all daughters of the various chiefs, were brought before the council. After considerable debate the elders decided that they could not ask for such a precious sacrifice, especially for a legend they weren’t sure was true.

But the disease continued to spread unabated among the men, and eventually the young warrior chief, the husband-to-be, fell ill with the sickness. The princess who loved him knew in her heart that something had to be done, and after cooling his fever and kissing him softly on the forehead, she slipped away.

It took her all night and the next day to reach the place spoken of in the legend, a towering cliff overlooking the Big River and the lands beyond. After praying and giving herself to the Great Spirit, she fulfilled the prophecy by jumping without hesitation to her death on the rocks below. Back at the villages the next morning, those who had been sick arose well and strong. There was great joy and celebration until the young warrior discovered that his beloved bride was missing. As the awareness of what had happened spread rapidly among the people, many began the journey to the place where they knew they would find her. As they silently gathered around her broken body at the base of the cliff, her grief-stricken father cried out to the Great Spirit, asking that her sacrifice would always be remembered. At that moment, water began to fall from the place where she had jumped, turning into a fine mist that fell at their feet, slowly forming a beautiful pool.

Missy usually loved the telling, almost as much as Mack did. It had all the elements of a true redemption story, not unlike the story of Jesus that she knew so well. It centered on a father who loved his only child and a sacrifice foretold by a prophet. Because of love, the child willingly gave up her life to save her betrothed and their tribes from certain death.

But on this occasion, Missy didn’t say a word when the story was finished. Instead, she immediately turned and headed for the van as if to say, “Okay, I am done here. Let’s get going.”



I am Leaving some of the story out now as to not copy the whole chapter, so this next bit is later after the Phillips Have set up camp, had dinner & dessert & It is bedtime.



Then it was back to the campsite, and after several trips to the facilities, Mack tucked the three in turn into the safety and security of their sleeping bags. He prayed briefly with Josh before moving across to where Kate and Missy lay waiting, but when it came Missy’s turn to pray she wanted to talk instead.

 “Daddy, how come she had to die?” It took Mack a moment to figure out whom Missy was talking about, suddenly realizing that the Multnomah princess must have been on her mind since they had stopped earlier.

 “Honey, she didn’t have to die. She chose to die to save her people. They were very sick and she wanted them to be healed.”

There was silence and Mack knew that another question was forming in the darkness.

 “Did it really happen?” This time the question was from Kate, obviously interested in the conversation.

“Did what really happen?”

“Did the Indian princess really die? Is the story true?”

Mack thought before he spoke. “I don’t know, Kate. It’s a legend, and sometimes legends are stories that teach a lesson.” “So, it didn’t really happen?” asked Missy.

“It might have, sweetie. Sometimes legends are built from real stories, things that really happen.”

 Again silence, then, “So is Jesus’ dying a legend?”

Mack could hear the wheels turning in Kate’s mind. “No, honey, that’s a true story. And do you know what? I think the Indian princess story is probably true too.”

Mack waited while his girls processed their thoughts.

Missy was next to ask, “Is the Great Spirit another name for God—you know, Jesus’ Papa?”

 Mack smiled in the dark. Obviously, Nan’s nightly prayers were having an effect. “I would suppose so. It’s a good name for God because he is a spirit and he is great.”

“Then how come he’s so mean?”

Ah, here was the question that had been brewing.

“What do you mean, Missy?”

“Well, the Great Spirit makes the princess jump off the cliff and makes Jesus die on a cross. That seems pretty mean to me.”

Mack was stuck. He wasn’t sure how to answer. At six and a half years old, Missy was asking questions that wise people had wrestled with for centuries.

“Sweetheart, Jesus didn’t think his Daddy was mean. He thought his Daddy was full of love and loved him very much. His Daddy didn’t make him die. Jesus chose to die because he and his Daddy love you and me and everyone in the world. He saved us from our sickness, just like the princess.”

Now came the longest silence, and Mack was beginning to wonder if the girls had fallen asleep. Just as he was about to lean over and kiss them good night, a little voice with a noticeable quiver broke into the quiet.

“Daddy?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Will I ever have to jump off a cliff?”

Mack’s heart broke as he understood what this conversation had really been about. He gathered his little girl into his arms and pulled her close. With his own voice a little huskier than usual, he gently replied, “No, honey. I will never ask you to jump off a cliff, never, ever, ever.”

“Then will God ever ask me to jump off a cliff?”

“No, Missy. He would never ask you to do anything like that.” She snuggled

Not Made To Outlive My Child

A Human Being Was Not Made To Outlive Their Child. I Was Not Made To Outlive My Child. It Is Not Normal. It's Just Not Normal.

The Pain Increases With Each Passing Day. I Just Want My Daughter Back. I Miss Her So Much & I Just Want Her Back. I Want My Ashley Back.

If Anyone Wants To Know What HELL Is Like, Come Spend The Day With Me. I Am Living In It

What Should Be

Day 117

The other day I went past ONU, where Ashley was attending College. I saw all the young kids there, not sure if the year is starting or if some are back early. But I felt like a knife went through my heart. Ashley should be starting her 2nd year of the Nursing Program there. She should be graduating from ONU in 2018. But She Is Not. She Is Not Because My Daughter, My Ashley Is Gone. She Is Gone & I am Never Going To See My Baby Girl Graduate To Become The Nurse She So ...Wanted To Be. I Will Never See Her Do Anything. I will Never See Her Ever Again For As Long As I Walk This Earth & Maybe Not Even After.

My Baby Started His Senior Year Of School Today. Jake & Ashley Should Have Been Graduating Together. We Should Be Having A Graduation Party For Both Of Them In June Of 2018.

Every Day, The Reality, That My Beautiful Ashley Is Gone, Hits Me. Over & Over, Multiple Times A Day. The Pain of that Thought Is Like No Other Pain I Have Ever Felt. It Is Debilitating. I Want To Lay Down & Die And The Only Thing That Prevents Me From Dying. That Is My Boys.

I Have Not Felt My Ashley. We Are So Connected, Almost As If We Were One, That I Know I Would Know Without A Doubt If She Was Here With Me. So I am Beginning To Believe More & More Every Day, That There Is No Afterlife. So Not Only Will I Never See My Ashley As Long As I Walk This Earth, But I Will Not See Her When I Leave It Either.



I Have Been Defeated

Day 116

The Intense Desire for Something Coupled With The Inability To Fulfill That Desire Is Life's Most Painful Combination.~ Author Unknown

Yes It Is. Without a Doubt. I Know This For sure. The Desire To Have My Ashley Back Is So Very Intense & The Inability to Fulfill That Desire, Is The Strongest Most Unbearable Pain I have ever Felt.

I Thought I Was Strong. I Would Get Knocked Down & Always Get Back Up. This Has Knocked Me Down & Crippled Me. The One Thing I can Not Come Back From. The Most Powerful, Most Destructive Force I Have Ever Faced. Life Without My Girl Has Taken Everything That I Was. Taken Every Ounce Of Strength That I Had. I Have Been Defeated.

Ever Wish You Could Go Back In Time To A Specific Moment?

Ever wish you could go back in time to a specific moment? A moment that you could change what you did?

Mine would be September 2007. The day I let Ashley's Pediatrician convince me to give her the Gardasil vaccine that she insisted she needed. That is the day I signed the first piece of paper giving permission to take My Daughter's life. The second piece of paper I signed, that was the actual permission that took her life, would have never been signed, had I never signed the... first.
If I can go back-to that day, My Ashley would still be here.

Yeah, I get to live with that for the rest of my life.

Day 115

If People Knew The Strength Of My Love, They Would Know The Strength Of My Pain.

I Love & Miss You So Unbelievably Much My Sweet Beautiful Ashley.



What Would You Do With 86,400?

Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.

Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course?

Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose.
...
It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day.

If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against "tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!

The clock is running!! Make the most of today.

To realise the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

To realise the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realise the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realise the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realise the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who just missed a train.

To realise the value of ONE SECOND, ask someone who just avoided an accident.

To realise the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal at the Olympics.

To realize the value of Every single moment, ask a parent who lost a child. ASK ME

Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with. And remember time waits for no one.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why its called the present.

The People We Meet Along This Grief Journey

Day 225~ I Love and Miss You So Much My Sweet Beautiful Ashley. My Baby Girl. :'( 💔 🦋 ASHLEY FOREVER IN MY HEART..... ♥️ ...